Diary/Thoughts.

Diary Entry 12

I've had a bad day today... 

 I haven't left the safety of my room because I'm scared I'll lash out at someone without meaning it... I guess I've been unstable all day. Ever since the nightmare I had... 

-- "You will be the new fist of Hydra"

That voice. I know it. It's Zola. But I thought he'd been captured? Why was he here? How am I here? I fell... I'm supposed to be dead. 

Steve... Where's Steve? I can still hear him calling out for me on that train... The fear in his voice. He must be so heartbroken. I'm sorry, Steve... 

Then came the pain. They were removing what was left of my arm. I remember the sound of that damn saw going through my bone. It was sickening. Then his face. Zola's face and those words that would always haunt me. I was Hydra. I was part of the people Steve and I tried so hard to take down. 

I wonder what happened to Steve. Is he okay? Did he finish the job? He can't have done if I'm with Hydra... What if something happened to him? What if he's dead? 

Steve... 

My Steve...

My punk who was too stupid to run from a fight...

Please be okay, Steve... 

I'll find you, Steve... I promise... --

The things they made me do... The things they /did/ to me... It sometimes gets too much but... Knowing I have my punk back gives me a little more hope that maybe, just maybe, things will be okay.

But how can they be? I'll end up hurting Steve... Like I did before... 

All he had to say were those goddamn words and my mind went blank... I had him by the throat... If that chopper hadn't gone into the river I would have killed him... 

I could have killed my best friend and I wouldn't have known about it until it was too late... 

I hate to admit but a lot of the day was spent crying and downing multiple bottles of Russian vodka to try and numb the pain and silence my thoughts.