Bad Boy Judah

f i f t e e n

My hand passes over my new pendant again, as I step off the bus. The little bit of snow that fell earlier began to melt and polished the street. My feet slowly walk two blocks down the road. All the dark stone homes look the same, but I know Judah's own by heart. My mind wonders on what crimes Judah commits right now.

But my eyes look up to the stairs, tearing my thought apart, and see scattered bright red circles on the ground. My legs climb towards Judah's front door. I don't see his car and know he's not home. Getting a closer look at what trails on the doormat, I realize that they are red petals. I stare at them, as the wind blows them to the side.

I push the door open and find some more fallen petals.

"Judah?" I call out in the hallway.

There's no answer and I figure that he's not yet home. I don't know what I expect to find, when I hike up the stairs to the bedroom.

There, lying on the bed, is a giant bouquet of red roses. Some petals have spilled onto the carpet. My mouth drops open at the extravagant sight. My hands tuck my hair behind my ears, before I walk closer to this botanical garden in front of me. My fingertips brush over the soft plush flowers. If I didn't see the note placed in the middle with my name on it, I wouldn't believe that these were for me.

The black lace dress laid out next to the bouquet catches my attention. My sceptic eyes dart between it and the note. What's going on? I frown, picking up the note.

My Rose.

I'm more scared than anything else. I open the small piece of paper and read Judah's handwriting for the first time. It's eloquently slanted in cursive letters.

I forget sometimes how delicate you are.

But I'll keep my promise.

I shift my eyes to the roses, then to the dress, then back to the note. I can't seem to understand. It all looks foreign to me. This side of Judah is more than foreign. But my lips smile and my cheeks blush. I try to hide it, even though no one is looking.

As I keep staring at the setup on the bed, my brain wakes up. This is most likely a distraction to... whatever he's really doing. Of course, it can't be anything else. My mind comes up with various hypotheses for Judah's absence. Going 'places' and doing 'business'.

He's good at hiding reality.

Although my want to be naïve and blindly in love is overpowering, I remind myself that Judah is someone who is deeply broken. Letting my heart beat for Judah is like playing Russian roulette—I'll never know when the bullet will go off. It hurts to think about it, but that's just how it is. It's only a matter of time before I meet the monster inside of him—the one he warns me about, this thing he tries his best to repress.

He tells me time and time again not to get close to him, because he's scared I'll see it. My teeth chew my smile off my face now.

♠♠♠

My clock says it's 9pm. I stand in the mirror again and pin my hair up. The black dress hugs me tight, bares an open back and runs see-through lace down my arms. I snip a glazed rose from its stem and tuck it in my loose bun, thinking it's a nice touch. Thinking about Judah calling me his rose bursts butterflies in my stomach. 

I sit in the living room and turn on the TV for no particular reason.

"Gang going underground—a new phenomenon resulted from intense rivalry."

I wait patiently. The strong scent of roses begins to irritate inside my nostrils. Too much of a good thing can be bad, I guess. This has never been more true. Before I can overthink things, I hear a short honk go off outside.