moving on ☆ (sequel to msbfbf)

Chapter 21

hey guys. 

so, i know this is kind of random. i haven't written for a very long time and frankly its because i've grown and changed. i started this book when i was 11 years old and now i'm 18. tbh reading this is super cringey but this book has actually opened a lot of doors for me. and it wouldn't be possible without you all reading and supporting my book (even tho idk why y'all still reading this its so bad). but as a thank you, i'll finish the moving on. so i hope you enjoy these last couple of chapters. 

- b.p

✻

+ellie's pov 

"harry i-" my voice cut out.

suddenly, i was running aimlessly through the endless maze of my mind; searching, grasping desperately at words to say to him, but all i could respond with was silence. 

the air between us grew stale. our heavy breathing fogged the car windows. the only sounds were our muffled sobs and the occasional sniffle. yet somehow it felt like a million things were said, but no words were exchanged between us. in that moment time stood still, in the worst possible way. 

all i could feel was pain. the pain i caused harry, the pain i was causing our baby and worst of all; the pain of knowing i ruined it.

i ruined us. 

suddenly harry's voice ripped through the silence like a bullet. his voice was doused in aggression and anger. the darkness of the parking garage only further extenuated his features. a thick shadow cast across his furrowed brow and along his clenched jawline. for the first time ever, i was afraid of him. 

"why did you lie ellie." his voice trembled, almost as though he was desperately trying to keep his words from escaping his mouth. 

i pondered on his question. why did i lie?

i knew my answer. i also knew it wasn't what harry wanted to  hear. so instead i searched, yet again, hoping to fabricate some version of an answer that wouldn't him. but i couldn't. so i just let my silence speak for me. 

"why did you lie ellie!" he raised his voice this time. loud enough that it echoed and lingered in the air for a couple seconds after. 

"i lied to protect you harry!" the words just flew out of my mouth without second thought or consideration. 

"i'm not having this baby." 

finally the words that i'd been holding in, for what felt like an eternity, were released into the universe, and there was no going back. it felt cathartic in a way. like a burden i had carried all this time was finally off my shoulders. but at the same time i felt an overwhelming wave of guilt. 

i looked to harry. the anger had drown out of his body and been replaced by despair. for most people, being internationally famous and extremely rich is the dream. but it's not harry's dream. he wants kids. he wants domestic living and  white picket fences. as the words i said sunk deeper into his heart, i watched the life drain out of his face. he looked like some part of his identity was stolen from him. i could feel nothing but guilt knowing i was the one who stripped him of his dream. 

we both sat there completely still. as though i had released medusa's head and we had turned to stone, but alas i didn't release medusa's head but i pandora's box. 

"you still should have told me. i deserve to know" harry's voice was thin and weak. 

his eyes left the ground for the first time and met mine. they were red and swollen from crying, but most notably they were filled with resentment. 

"harry look at you. look how upset you are, this is exactly why i didn't want to tell you." 

"what so i need coddling? i'm a big boy ellie i can handle my emotions!"

i scoffed. 

"really ellie? what is that supposed to mean?" 

pandora's box

"you can't handle your emotions harry. you have random outbursts of anger and unexplained mood swings. whenever things go bad between us you become a revolving door or women and sex. you're twenty five now but you still act like your sixteen harry." the words spilled out of my mouth without hesitation. every word, every syllable seemed to build up harry's anger. 

his face was a bright tomato red. 

then, he opened his mouth. it's almost as though thoughtlessly speaking was contagious. 

"really ellie? i'm the one that acts like a sixteen year old? you are the most insecure person i've met. emotionally, financially."

"excuse me but i was doing perfectly fine before i met you okay. i had a job and supported myself!" i hadn't realized but somewhere within the conversation i began crying. i wiped away my tears quickly. i didn't want him getting the wrong impression- that i was sad. i was crying because he made me so fucking angry. 

"really! working at the cinema and living in your mom's place is considered 'perfectly fine'" he spat back. his voice stunk of arrogance. harry never used his wealth against me. i guess finally his true colours are shining through. 

"yes harry! and frankly i would rather live at my mom's tiny bungalow than in a gaudy mansion completely alone. because we both know that's exactly how it'll be if i go through with this pregnancy. time doesn't stop with one direction. i don't want my child to grow up the way i did with their father one foot out the door. you're a celebrity harry. you don't have time to change diapers and go to dance recitals, you're too busy hanging out with people you don't like and singing music you don't listen to." i paused for a moment to catch my breath, and to internalize what i had just said. 

"and that's why i can't have a baby with you"

then, i began to cry- real sad tears this time, not pissed tears. i cried out the pain of giving up motherhood, i cried out the pain of letting go of harry. because i saw his face, i crossed a line. there's no more going back with us. 

part of me regrets it. 

to see harry hurting and knowing i was the perpetrator of that pain is unbearable. but at the same time, now he knows the truth. no more lies. no more sugar coating. just the truth. 

he looked at me behind glossy eyes. then, in one swift motion he got up, spoke three words to me then shut the car door and walked away. 

the three words that i least expected, they hurt the most. 

"i'm sorry ellie."

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