Babygirl

22

I wonder why people were created with feelings. And such strong opinions that they feel they should rule by, why?

Xavier

I can tell you a billion reasons why she's too good for me. And a million more if she would just wait a little longer to listen. I want her to be happy, I want her to be free. I could hang my head and cry or I could gloat that I don't need her, but tell me which one is worse. Lets face it, I'm a fool. Not sure if its 100% out of love or jealousy. I want her to be everything she can be without me. My life's soundtrack is the Credence Clearwater Revival song where they play it in comedy romances during the part where sad/bad shit is happening. And I know who would always be smiling at the end to help the shithead whos life got ruined. The thing most people don't realize once you've committed to something, not just that someone. Is that you cant forget that now. No matter how many times you've tried to.

It's like your favorite song from decades ago. You promise you've forgotten each word to it but once you here it again, every word comes flowing back like a farewell friend. I'm totally in control of my men, and basically who they are because well they're scared of me. But this one fucking person who Ive given my heart too the first time I laid eyes on her has decided that I'm a goddamn chess piece  in her game-she fucking knows how to get me to open knew things up that haven't ever been tugged at! She knows the way her eyes set me back each time I look at her-the blue just wont let me seem angry. And yeah I know ive been a jerk okay. But you would too if everything you've ever wanted sat in a body. I was raised to take what I want by the  hand- Women, guns, money, food, jewel's. With S, its different. Shes not just a women, she's the love of my soul. I've never craved someone ever! But like I said, with S is different. Darrel and my most high rankers have been trying to get me to focus again. But the strip clubs and gun riots don't really work. I'm more cautious to be honest. It just comes flowing back to me how badly I once treated her. And I'm not gonna do that to us again.

I walk back to my gun again. Darrel and my old friend Shawn convinced me to go shooting with them; to get S out of my brain. Well for a short time. You know I don't really want to seem like this dumb guy that just fawns over my wife 24/7. I hate wanting people, I hate wanting anything. You have every right to hate me to because sometimes I hate myself. Please just know that this is not me. This is not my story nor my true self. I'm not my true self with my wife because she makes me better than who I truly am. You are you, and what others want to think of you as.

S

Creaks of the old floor shoot into my ears. El has been hiding for about 10 minutes in Jake and I's home, which of course I'm trying to find her. After the subtle give away(well I knew where she was the whole time but what ever she's 5) I push the blue oak door that shows all of mine and Jake's clothing.

"Oh where oh where is little Eleanor?"

Her giggles run though my ears.

Once I pushed her barrier out of the way it was all over.

We were both caught in screams and giggles. "Daddy missed his girls." Xavier's deep voice was sweet, I could hear his smile. Who couldn't smile as they hugged their squirming daughter close. He was here now, he was here because he cared. Or so I told myself.

"I didn't even hear you come in." I whispered into his jaw as he held me close.
"Wanted to surprise you"
His black shirt smelled like smoke and deep sweat. Oh lord Xavier was dirty, and it was hot. I oddly got a sensation that made my cheeks heat up. He came to see us because he wanted too. Jakes was out today. But when isn't he lately. I don't even feel like I live with him anymore, or ever even did.

"Daddy can you play with us?" El crawls onto her fathers lap and hooks herself onto him. The look that Xavier gives his daughter is so adorable. He loves when she talks to him. I know this because his eyes light up like a rainstorm. He just has pure love on his face that I secretly admire whenever I see it. Xavier has told me many times in the past, drunk and sober. He can't live without El, she's what keeps him going. You might think that this hardcore mob boss who has too many women to count wouldn't have a heart. And about every person is definite he doesn't, but El doesn't know that. Way back in the day strong men or men in general would hate to have a daughter first, I mean Xavier's father didn't see El until she was 6 months old because she wasn't a boy. The pig got what he deserved. But when El first came out and she got cleaned but still was screaming Xavier was the happiest person in earth. The memories kill me still. And now that her birthday is a month away I know they're all gonna come flooding back.