Sky's Trash Dump

Self Esteem...?

I used to be a cocky little brat. I was legitimately the Eren Jaëger of elementary schoolers. In my head, I was all "yo look, I'm super cool! Love me!" And it was true. I actually thought I was the best at everything. Child Sky had a ridiculously overblown ego. At least we know I'm not exactly a child me anymore, unlike Umaru (watch Umaru, it's absolutely hilarious lol)

          I believe up until around 2 years, I was confident to say, do, express whatever I wanted. However, I met some people around that time. I will say it now, I absolutely HATE these guys. It didn't matter what happened, those people would put me down for whatever it was. Maybe they weren't trying to be terrible scumbags, but it certainly affected me in such a way. Whether it was in math, violin, or even my height, it was as if I was the one who was in the wrong, even if I was right.

          It's possible that what they said wasn't meant to be derogatory. But tell me, is constantly going after someone just to say something along the lines of "ha, why're you always so angry? Got some issues?" and then run away laughing a nice thing? I swear to god those guys were even cockier than PRESCHOOL me. Which is saying a LOT. I guess they just wanted to feel better about their own douchey selves?

         Well, news flash fellas. I get enough shit from my parents. "Oh, look at W, she's such a good student!" Which is immediately followed by an unintentionally accusing "Why can't YOU be more like that?" Or maybe "hey look at the prodigy! Why don't you ever reach that level even though said prodigy is younger than you?"

         Sorry, but I'm not exactly a born genius. I'm a scummy little midget who hates school and just wants to draw, learn/watch animation, and listen to music. I'm NOT a musical, academical, or any other kind of genius in any way, shape, or form. That just happens to be a disappointment to my parents, sister, and teachers. Too bad guys, this is what you all got yourselves stuck with. Deal with it.

          I guess with all the vicious comparing to others got to me. I started to compare myself to people at the top level of things, levels that I could never even dream of reaching. And with that, my self esteem and confidence levels went from 100 slowly down to a fifty, before hitting rock bottom. And then smashing the bottom of the scale into bits and moving past it.

         It's gotten so bad to the point that I'm afraid to answer questions in classes that aren't history class. It's gotten to where I'm afraid to ask questions in class. It's gotten to where I'm afraid to let people ago, afraid to make new friends in fear that they will only further insult me. To the point where even though I'm concertmaster in my orchestra class, I'm afraid to lead the section without my second chair partner. Afraid to give demonstrations for fear of messing up.

          Since I used to be so confident, people who have known me still expect that confident side of me. And honestly, I don't always let all this show. Only when I'm forced to perform, present, or show something does this show. Usually in the form of curling into a ball and hyperventilating until I calm down.

         This is something I don't usually tell people. I think maybe... zero people know about this. And now the whole world can.