Crimson

Chapter 20

The crystal liquid streamed down my face as I stared silently up at the ceiling from the floor. Kai and I said nothing as he held onto my hand and I was left with my poisonous thoughts.

Is this what it was truly like dating a vampire? Being attacked all the time, even by members of his own family. How many more would come for me, knowing that I, a weak and pathetic nobody human, was dating the son of the ruler of monsters? I already had a few run ins with others and I honestly was unsure if I wanted to lead a life where I was constantly in fear of being attacked and killed by vampires thirsting for revenge or leverage over Kai.

I didn't know what to do. Would I have to leave him? I really would rather not. Would he want to leave me if it meant my safety, would he be okay with never seeing me again?

Then a thought crossed my racing mind that crushed my heart into tiny bits. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and my heart had stopped. I squeezed my eyes closed, more tears slipping out. No, I shouldn't go there. But my mind kept wandering back to the question that now weighed on my soul, the question that seemed to crush me under its sheer weight.

Did he even care about me?

Kai seemed to notice my little inner battle and squeezed my hand tighter. "What are you thinking about?"

I shook my head, afraid that if I spoke I would only fall farther down into the pit of misery I was already suspended in.

"Come on Ajae, talk to me. I'm sorry about Cleo but I promise that I will protect you. I'll make sure that you don't get caught in the middle of her petty little revenge strike against my family. I'll keep you out of it," he said softly.

I shook my head.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that no matter what you do to try to protect me, someone will always be after me just because I know you. And it makes everything worse when the whole city of vampires finds out that we're in a relationship. There's nothing you can do, they'll always be after me," I replied in a cautious tone, afraid that my voice would crack.

"Hey," he moved to hover over me. "Look at me, love, I'll always be here for you, you don't have to be scared."

I shook my head again and he flattened his lips into a straight line.

"I just don't know if I can do this. This whole being chased after and running all the time. I don't want to constantly have to look over my shoulder in broad daylight, scared that I'm going to be attacked by someone looking for leverage over you. I don't want that."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I need to be alone for a while to think."

He looked at me like I was stupid. "Seriously? Do you really think that I'm just going to leave you alone after that? After my sister broke in and threatened you? The answer is no," he growled out as he stood up, dropping my hand.

I sighed, I knew that this was going to make him angry but I needed time to think about what to do. I knew that to get him to leave me, I needed to make him angry, needed to make him need time away from me as well. So make him angry is what I did.

"I am not some pet, Kai. You can't keep me in a cage, especially in my own home."

"I'm not! Look Ajae, I'm not going to just abandon you here after what just happened. That would be stupid," he said, his voice becoming more defensive as it rose.

"I just don't know if I can do this," I mumbled, almost hoping that he hadn't heard me.

But he picked up every word that had left my mouth. "Do what?"

I pointed a finger between the two of us as I looked up at him with sorrowful eyes. "This."

He froze before gripping at his hair and pacing for a moment before stopping at me again. "You... really?" He huffed and shook his head. "I can't believe you Ajae Charlotte Hunt. I can't believe you just said that."

"But it's true! I can't stand being a small and weak human in your world! A world where I can do nothing to protect myself and the idds of my survival are constantly stacked against me. I don't like being useless and weak, you don't need that."

"You're so selfish!" He yelled, his hands balled into fists by his side as his eyes blazed with anger.

I ground my teeth together, my eyes stinging with more unshed tears. I didn't know this would hurt this much. I didn't know that I had to tear him and myself apart just to get time to think about where I wanted us to go. But he would never understand, he was so stubborn that he would never leave me alone after the incident with Cleo. Yes, parts of me told me that this was completely irrational, that I was just upset and panicked and that those emotions were clouding my judgement. I felt like I was in a haze, somewhere between being over emotional and drunk. Right now, I shouldn't be making this decision with how my mind was cloudy. I was completely over thinking and blowing the situation out of proportion. But I couldn't stop myself.

What I was saying was true, I was small and weak and he couldn't look after me all of the time.

"Like you're any better? You just wanted to trap me here and never let me leave. I have a life away from you, you know? I have a job and some family and a few friends. It's not all about you," I said as calm as I could.

"Ajae, I know that."

"Then why don't you act like it?"

He let out a frustrated yell and I knew that he was near his breaking point with me. "Sometimes I just can't stand you!"

"Then leave!" I screamed.

"Fine," he sneered back and disappeared, slamming the front door behind him.

Then I broke. I was a sobbing, moaning mess on my living room floor with only the hum of the air conditioning to keep me company. It was a lie, it was all a bluff just to get him to leave me so I could think clearly without his distraction. He didn't know the power he held over me. Every time I was with him, it was like there was nobody else in the world. My eyes were only on him and nobody else even remotely mattered. And that scared me. Something inside of me just screamed at me that I needed him, that my life wasn't complete without him in it. It scared me that all he had to do was look at me and I was falling at his feet, almost begging for him to love me.

Another sob wracked through my body, tearing at my throat. I was in love with him and he could tear me apart.