I am Here

The Start Of Something New

A/N: So, a bit of a warning before hand, this chapter is going to contain some self harm/hate. If any of you are sensitive to that sort of stuff, the end of this chapter is where it is. I want to make sure I'm not making uncomfortable with this. Thanks to everyone who is actually reading this:)
-Tacy

I closed my eyes for a second, listening to the sound of Ms. Generics voice drone on about something from the past that didn't concern me at all, my head hurt from the bright lights in the classroom, and the sound of the voices, paper rustling, and quiet whispers back and forth. It was the fourth week of school, the year was going by exactly like every other year I'd been there. The only difference was that guy sitting close to me, I still didn't know anything about him, my curiosity was getting the best of me. One day I almost just walked up and asked him, but right before I did, I started to have anxiety, so I didn't. I really just wanted to know his name, where he was from, the basics really. But of course, the little courage I had failed every time I decided to try and talk to him. I opened my eyes again, just as the bell rang. Sighing, I gathered my stuff together and was about to head out the door when I felt something underneath my foot, it was a pencil. Before I could adjust myself so I didn't fall, my foot slipped on it, which ended in me falling in backside in front of everyone that was in the room. To make things worse, I realized I wasn't alone on the floor. That mysterious guy was there too, well, more like underneath me. I must have fallen back into him and knocked him down behind me. I could already feel my face face burning with embarrassment. I quickly stood up and turned around. I started to apologize, my voice shaking. "I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean to" He just stared at me before standing up, and brushed dirt off his pants. Then, his face crumpled into a smile, which turned into a laugh. A laugh so strange it was contagious, it sounded like a donkey having a seizure. I couldn't help myself, I started laughing along with him. After a while, he stopped laughing and cleared his throat. "It's fine, didn't do any harm" he said, his eyes full of laughter. I felt so relieved. I held out my hand, "Ada" I said," Ada Collins". He shook it. "Eric Willow" He said straightening his sweatshirt. I smiled, "I'm still sorry, gosh, I'm so clumsy sometimes" I said as we started to walk out of the classroom. "No,no, it's ok. I'm fine" I blushed slightly." Well, it was nice meeting you, Eric, but I have to go or I'm going to be late for my next class, I'll see you around?" He nodded his head and turned around and walked away. I stood there staring at his back for about a minute before I shook my head and quickly walked to my next class.

I headed home, walking slowly through the small town that is Whiteford. It might be small, but I loved everything about it. From the super old gas station that still sold old fashioned soda in glass bottles, to the new high school that literally everyone in the town was proud of. Living there was like living in an old tv show, people would smile at you and actually remember your name, it was a good feeling sometimes, but others, you just wanted to hide and not say hi to anyone. As I neared the long winding gravel road to my family's house, actually, scratch that, mansion. We have one of the biggest houses in the state. I would complain about it, but that seems ridiculous. I bet you have a normal house, I've always wondered what it's like to live without a maid, or a huge bedroom. Ok, I'm definitely complaining now. Sorry, I don't want to sound entitled and bratty. But I guess I've always wanted to have what's considered a "normal" life. Probably like yours I'm guessing. Enough of that though, I suppose I should tell you what my mansion looks like and all that jazz. So, as you walk in the huge pillars on the porch, and open the doors. The first thing you see is my entry way/guest area. It's pretty fancy for a small town, but my mom and dad love it, at least, I know my dad does, my mom is like me with wanting a normal house. After that you turn if you turn left, my kitchen is there, I usually head in there after school to eat a snack the maid leaves out for me. If you turn right, there's my dads study. I've only been in there a couple times, my dad likes to keep family and work separate, very separate. Back to the present, I'm just droning on and on. I set my backpack down on one of the wooden benches by the door. "Mom!" I yelled, wondering if she was home yet. Not getting a reply, I shrugged and shuffled towards the kitchen. As I sat down on a stool by the marble countertops, I took out my phone and earbuds. I stuck them in my ears and turned them up to drown out the silence. I finished eating and moved towards the stairs, my music softly pounding in my ears. As it grew louder I started to sing along with the artist, my voice soft at first, then growing louder as I looked around and found no one was watching. The pounding of the drums made me start to tap my feet, I singing full out now, moving my feet along the ground. I started to dance, spinning around in the huge hallways. I felt alive, my voice basically matched the singers, due to the many voice lessons my mom had forced me into. I was happy for a moment, as I reached my room, I stopped dancing and cleared my throat, as if I hadn't just been dancing and singing at the top of my lungs. Turning my door handle, the song changed to a slower, softer one and I started to hum along with it. I smiled softly to myself as I reached for one of the books I kept on my shelf. As I looked at the cover and realized I had just read it yesterday. Time to go to the only place besides my room in the house that I actually enjoy, our library. I can't tell you how much I love the library in our house, my mom makes sure to add as many new books she can, because she knows how much I enjoy it. I go there when I'm sad, happy, angry, basically all the time. I headed down the stairs and almost ran into my sisters friend on the way down. She has so many friends I can't even remember their names. They all blend together." Sorry" I mumbled, and moved past her to where Kara was standing. She glared at me for a second, then smiled and hissed through her teeth. "Can you seriously stop doing stuff like that in front of my friends?" I ducked my head. " I'll try" I said softly and moved past her quickly towards the library. My eyes started to sting, my body sagged under the weight of so many emotions. "Can you stop crying at nothing, please" I talked to myself moving faster towards my destination. "If your just gonna cry, your no help to anybody" I didn't say that out loud, although I wanted to. The tears were coming faster, pouring down my cheeks. I wanted to just keep moving, as if I kept moving everything would stay behind me, but that's not how it works. I sighed softly, and gulped up some air, my face a bright red color. The doors to the library appeared and I just gave up and ran towards them. As I swung them shut behind me, I collapsed into a soft couch. Holding a pillow to face, I cried as I hadn't on months. I was terrified someone would walk in a find me here. I stood up on shaking legs and moved to lock the doors. I hated how easily I cried, I hated basically everything I did. I sat down on the couch, and picked up my phone, opening the notes app, I took a breath, and started to write. What would appear on the page, I didn't know. I sat there for hours my fingers cramping, my shoulders aching, and my eyes dry from crying. I finally stopped and looked down at what I had written. My eyes watered again as I started reading:
Dear Ada,
I have many questions for you. I don't know how to ask you them, but I'll try to phrase them right.
1. Why, why on earth, do you exist
2. Why are you so sensitive to what other people think
3. Why do other people's opinion matter more than your own
4. Why are you so self centered that you are constantly annoying other people
5. Why do you always get mad at your family, when all you do is sit around like a useless idiot
6. Why are you still here
7. How does anyone like you
8. Why is Alexis still your friend, she could do so much better
9. Why do you eat so much, you're getting fat
10. Why do you care anymore
11. How do you look in the mirror without hating yourself
12. Why do act as if anyone cares about you
I'm sorry if I'm harsh, I'm just trying to get through that you, are just existing in a place where you shouldn't.

I hid my face in my hands and sobbed. It was all so true, why was it all so true. Before anyone could find me, I stopped crying and rubbed my eyes. I suddenly knew what I had to do, what always helped. I quickly grabbed my phone and unlocked the doors. As I walked through the halls to my room, I tried so hard not to cry. Moving as quietly as I could, I made my way to my room and shut the door behind me, locking it quickly and moving towards my bathroom. As I sat on the edge of my tub, I clenched my fingers together. I looked at my cabinet, knowing what I would find if I opened the doors. I told myself I needed to do it, that I deserved it. I moved towards it and opened the doors, I pushed my toilet paper out of the way to where I knew it was. I grabbed it, the razor blade, I felt its shape, sharpness. I sat back down, took a sharp breath and held it up against my wrist, but then thought better if it and moved the sleeve of my t-shirt up to get at under my arm. As I slid it down, it should have hurt more than anything, but it didn't, it felt right. Because in my head, I thought I deserved it. As it started to bleed, I stopped. Taking a washcloth I dabbed at the blood. This always helped, it shouldn't have, but the pain pushed everything away. It kept me calm, it stopped my crying. My face was still, calm. I sat there, holding the washcloth to my arm. Sitting there, I felt, alive. I felt like I could make it. But after about an hour, I felt the same as before. I sighed, taking a shaky breath. As I pulled down my sleeve to hide what I had just done. I don't know how long I could keep this image up. How I could act as if I was carefree, happy. But on the inside, I was empty. I don't leave my bathroom for over and hour. I couldn't face anyone, not even my mom. Softly crying I curled my knees up to my chest. Burying my face in them, I started to sob. The only thought that made me move was that I had to be there tomorrow because I was Alexis partner for a project, and I couldn't let her down. Slowly and stiffly uncurling from my position, I felt sore, my eyes hurt. I stood up and looked in the mirror. I winced at my reflection. My hair was a mess, tangled all over and stuck on my wet cheeks, my eyes puffy and red. I tried my best to hide it all, covering my eyes with powder to make them less red. Combing my hair and putting it in a simple braid. I wasn't ready to leave, but I had to.