Lazarus Project: Mass Effect 2 (Shenko)

Chapter 15

Milky Way/Attican Traverse

Earth year: 2183 CE --- July

Kaidan groaned in the dim light of his rented pre-fab shelter, passing a weary hand over his face as he sat up. His head throbbed with a dull ache, a reminder of how much he'd had to drink before passing out on his couch.

He tensed as awareness slowly returned, bracing himself against the cold realization of where he was and what he'd lost. Every morning for the past three months had been the same. After wearing himself out in his grief and guilt over losing Shepard, he'd fall into the peaceful and often drunken oblivion of sleep, his dreams filled with memories of Shepard. Her smile, her laugh, her touch, the feel of her lips on his. And every morning as consciousness returned, the crushing weight of her loss crashed down around him anew..

Grief-stricken after her memorial, he'd taken a leave of absence from the Alliance and returned to Earth to spend time with his parents. Yet after two days of his mother's gentle kindness and the bright summer sunshine of his parent's coastal home, he knew he couldn't stay. It was too much in contrast to the weight of his grief and a constant reminder that he would never get to show her the beauty of his birthplace.

He didn't trust himself to maintain the hard-won control he had over himself and his biotics, so he packed what he thought he might need and left. He'd chartered a flight to Omega, the most dangerous outpost in the Traverse, not caring about the risk he was taking. He was recognizable now and the criminals on the station would be a threat to him, but he didn't care. If a merc decided to end his life, he would welcome it. By the time he left Earth, the thought of dying was preferable to the hell he was living without Shepard.

It took him a long time to understand why losing her had affected him so much. He couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and couldn't find a way to fill the empty space she had filled. When he closed his eyes, he was haunted by her smile, the sparkle in her hazel-brown eyes and her desire for him. It was worse than any torture he could imagine since he could never escape his memories.

Back on the Citadel, the Alliance uniforms reminded him of her, the Spectre symbol, Anderson – everywhere he went he saw Shepard and felt her loss all over again. So he'd run to Omega, a small part of him hoping someone, anyone would put him out of his misery. But they hadn't. If anyone there had known who he was they didn't care and after a while Omega began to get to him too. So he'd hired a mercenary group to have himself smuggled off the station – he didn't know if the Alliance knew he'd left Earth or not, but by then he no longer wanted to be found.

Having left the bulk of his Alliance earnings in a secure location on Earth, he had become dangerously low on credits. A quick search on the extranet gave him a destination and a job, far from the reaches of the Council and the Alliance.

Now here he was, on Arvuna, working security for one of the many black market mining facilities that paid for his lodgings and his ever increasing drinking habit. His grief continued to hang on him like a dark shawl. He rarely shaved and his posture had become stooped as though weighed down by some invisible burden no one could see. Yet always he was sober for his job, a mindless affair that didn't require him to speak to anyone.

After every shift, he would head to the local pub and drink until the memory of Shepard's face dissolved in a blur before heading home. The drink kept his dreams at bay and he welcomed the brief respite, even though he knew he wouldn't be able to keep it up much longer.

Tthough his biotic ability never let him get truly drunk, alcohol would never become a habit. When it became obvious he was needing more alcohol to banish Shepard's memory with each passing day, he seriously contemplated removing his amp. But he didn't. Instead, he continued as he had before, working, drinking and passing out.