summer school // phan

4

Today we got back our exams. I've being doing terribly in all of my classes due to skipping, being late, absent, and just not paying attention and not getting things done. I knew I should've studied before the exam but being the procrastinator I am, I didn't. I was hoping that the little bit I knew would have got me passed so I could graduate next year and be out of this excuse of a school. I received my mark but didn't wait to open it until the end of the day.

I debated even opening my envelope. A part of me was saying there's a chance you passed, and another part of me was saying, don't bother opening it, you failed. I slowly teared open the brown envelope revealing a paper. I read it over carefully, slightly shaking.

Crap.

I knew it. I knew I was going to fail. I got way below the passing grade. Oh god no. Please no. I need to graduate next year.

I felt something warm on my face, wet actually. I put my hand up to my cheek. I was crying.

---

The next day the guidance counsellor told me to meet her in her office after school. The bell rang and I shuffled myself through the hallways.

"Hello, Mr. Howell"
"Hi Mrs. Smith" I say sitting down in the rather old brown leather chair
"Have you opened your exam mark?"
"Yeah"
"And I'm sure you know that to graduate you'll have to finished year 11 with a passing grade, which sadly you don't have."

I didn't look up at her. I didn't know what to do but that's what guidance counsellors do, don't they?

"So what can I do?"
"You'll have to re-take grade eleven"
I look up at her, "I need to graduate next year"

I didn't even know if I'll live that long. No Dan, stop thinking like that. Your brother cares about you. Don't do this to him.

'killing yourself doesn't get rid of the pain, it just passes on to someone else'

"Well, you could attend summer school to improve your grades"

Take year eleven again or give up your summer?

"I guess I'll be here all summer then"
"Okay. I'll tell the principal and have a note sent to your parents."

I nodded and walked out the door. Now I have to spend what was supposed to be freedom, in school. Great.

---

The next day

I woke up and had no desire to get up for school. I scrolled through Tumblr attempting to lighten my mood up but it didn't change my mood at all. This wasn't something that happened rarely. I hardly had emotions. I mean I've laughed, cried, and other things in between but I just naturally always looked blank. Like I had absolutely no brain. Sometimes I wish my I didn't have a brain.

As I stood up I wobbled slightly but regained balance. My shoulders were slouched forward and my eyes had dark circles under them. My whole body felt drained out. To other people having to go to summer school was just a nuisance or a problem that had to be dealt with but I just wanted to get out of school as fast as possible. Ever since I told Phil I didn't want to be friends I felt different and I didn't know why. I had cut lots of people off and it never really affected me. But maybe it did and cutting off Phil just pushed me over the limit and I finally got snapped into reality.