summer school // phan

11

It was now Wednesday and that meant it was half way through the school week. Adrian stayed home because he had to and I made sure he was safe and that he knew what to do for lunch and stuff like that. After all he was my little brother and I wanted him to have a better school experience than me.

Today was chilly and heavily raining and although it was summer, London just seemed to always be slightly cold or just have unpleasant weather. I put on jeans as per usual and a hoodie. My father had come home and needed his car to get to work so I had to walk in the rain. Great. I stepped outside closing the door behind me and was quickly greeted with a gust of strong wind. A couple droplets of water came along with the wind, slapping me in the face. I put up my hood at an attempt to keep the rain off my face but failed because the wind just took it right off again. The school was about a 15 minute walk and 5 minute drive and now with the strong winds and rain that I was walking into, it'd take a few extra, dreadful minutes. Just as I fussed around with my hood I heard a car slowing down behind me on the road. I looked over my shoulder to see that the car was pulling off to the side of the road I was on. The car began to drive beside me. I heard a faint voice so quiet it was nearly inaudible, 'Dan?' I turned to where the car was and heard again, more clearly, "Dan?" The voice was familiar, Phil?. I turned to see the bright, blue eyed boy poking his head out of the car window looking in my direction. "Yes?" I say, stopping in my tracks. Why was Phil talking to me? I'm not sure but I guess I'll find out.
"U-uh do you want a r-ride?" He cracked out
I didn't know what to do as I was just too awkward so I replied, "s-sure" my teeth gritting at the cold breeze that sent shivers through my teeth. I went to the passenger side of the door and opened it as I cautiously sat inside. I placed my backpack on my lap. Why am I in Phil's car? Why do I feel so awkward and comfortable at the same time? Should I say something? Is he going to say anything? A million questions ran through my head but Phil interrupted my thoughts and said, "Hey Dan..." and I responded with a simple hello.
"Thank you for picking me up" I said at an attempt to break the tension
"It's cold and windy and I saw you struggling with your coat so I just..." he seemed to be at a loss of words but I knew what he meant. We sat in silence for a few minutes as we rode on our way to school. For some reason my body filled with guilt towards Phil. I had put him through a lot and we both knew that. Why would he even think to pick me up? I said something that I immediately regretted, "why do you even want to be around me?" I blurt out, completely random and not thinking.
"What?" His face dropped with confusion
"You wanted to simply talk to me and all I did was push you away, why would you want to be around someone like me"
"I-I don't k-know, you pushing me away made me want to know more about you"
I didn't know how to answer so I just sat looking down at my feet until we arrived at the school.
"Thanks again" I say making eye contact
He looked at me and replied with a casual, "no problem" and for a second we just looked at each other's eyes and then I mumbled under my breath 'sorry'. It was too quiet for him to hear. I felt as if I was crumbling.

Everyone thinks I'm a tough person but I'm quite the opposite; I broke down when stress overtook me or even being in lots of social environments would cause me to internally implode. I wasn't intimidating and the reason I don't let people be my friend is because of people like Phil Lester, trying to see how I'm really like. But when I looked into that boy's eyes I just drowned in the pools of his eyes and I wasn't coming up for air anytime soon. When I was around him I felt like I could trust him but I couldn't let that happen. Not again. I knew what was happening and it was exactly what happened with my old 'best friend'. I couldn't trust anyone again.

All day Phil Lester wouldn't get out of my head and I was going insane. I felt myself slowly become even more distant from the real world than I was before. It was as if I was standing in the middle of a crowd being strangled by someone and nobody did anything; nobody cared.