summer school // phan

17

I woke up yet again to Phil and I cuddled together. We both had our arms around each other, our foreheads lightly pressed together and the room was silent except for the quiet sound of our breathing. I felt the steady rising and falling action from Phil under my arm. I smiled at the sight and stayed smiling for a while longer. I didn't move, I almost fell back asleep but didn't because I felt Phil moving as he slowly woke up. Blinking to focus his vision, Phil smiled up at me and I returned the gesture. "Morning, Sunshine," he laughed lightly at the nickname. He shuffled closer to me and  I pulled him closer as he did so.

---

The same thing would happen morning after morning, I'd wake up with Phil sleeping in my arm or I'd be sleeping in his. I loved it more and more everyday. I loved him more and more everyday. I hadn't told him I loved him yet and he hadn't told me either. I also wasn't sure if we were boyfriends. I mean there wasn't really another way to title ourselves but were we dating? If someone asked if we were dating someone, would we say yes? I'd like to be able to say yes but I don't want Phil to feel like I'm pushing him too fast. I'll just wait, maybe someone will ask and Phil will say yes, or Phil will ask...

I wish I could turn off my brain so I didn't explode into a series of unanswerable questions all the time.

---

Phil stayed for dinner tonight and as we sat around the table, my mother, father, brother, Phil and I; it was almost an uncomfortable silence because all you could hear was utensils hitting plates and could only feel the tension and desperate grasps for conversation. Things were asked by my mother like, "Do you have any homework?" or "How's school going?" but it only ever led to one-word answers and no further conversation. I tuned out of everything except for when a questioners directed only to me, "So Dan, have a special someone yet?" my mother asked. I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything at all until I felt a tap on the side of my leg; it was Phil; I looked over at him and he nodded curiously as if he was mentally saying, "you can say yes if you're okay with us being a thing" or at least that's what I hoped he was thinking. "Uh y-yeah, I guess s-so." I stuttered out only to look down at my plate. I felt confusion within my family and when I looked up at them, I saw I was right, "Well, who is this mysterious girl?" my mother asked and I immediately looked slightly at my brother who was smiling and trying not to laugh at the fact my mother said 'girl'. She didn't know, neither did my Dad.

"It's Phil."

My parents dropped their utensils and cleared their throats. My brother didn't look too surprised.

"What'd you just say, boy?" my father didn't sound pleased.
"I s-said it's Phil." I sounded less scared than I was but right now I want to just crumple up and disappear.
"You're gay?" my father looked like his head was about to pop off. I looked to Phil who looked even more petrified than me. I wanted to just cuddle him to make him feel better, it didn't work. I nodded at my father making regretful eye contact.

What happened next, I didn't know if Phil or I would ever recover.

"GET OUT!" my father demanded at Phil. He stood up and left without saying anything more. "Adrian, go upstairs to your room." my father gritted. I saw Adrian leave but only just stood at the top of the stairs and didn't go to his room. I stood up and tried backing away from my angry father.

Before I knew it, he had pushed me into a wall, and looking so furious that I thought he was about to kill me. He jabbed me in the stomach with his fist multiple times until I was on the ground in tears. He yelled homophobic slurs at me as he hit me. He may as well have killed me. "s-st-top-p" I choked out in useless defence. "What that? STOP? I'm gonna go find your little boyfriend and do the same to him!!"