When you see my truth (drarry fanfic)

Chapter 15. In my head

-Harry's pov-

The rest of the lessons that day was Transformation, DADA, Charm and astronomy. I was really exhausted when I went to bed. I remember the last thing I was thinking was that I hope Draco doesn't get a nightmare. The day has been hell for him. He looked like he was going to pass out any moment.

--

The very next day Draco had dark circles under his eyes. Well, he usually has dark circles, but today they were bigger. I was really concerned. I still had the memory of the dying Draco on the floor in the astronomy tower. His blood had looked so red, so... scary. I remember that I at that time briefly had thought Draco's blood was scary. Scary because so much lies on it. If he has too little of it, he'll die. That so much lies on the red liquid. It was scary because so much of it was outside of his body. Because I was afraid that I had discovered a corpse, and not a still living boy.

My feelings for him were really making me uneasy. What are we exactly. Acquaintances? Friends? I don't know. One thing I know is the fact that we're not enemies anymore. We can't be after this . I know too much about him.

I studied Legilimency diligently. I was actually looking forward to knowing Draco a bit more, but at the same time, I was terrified. I knew that there wasn't going to be pretty things I'll see. I knew that the fear Draco had was genuine. That it was a really big cause to it. But I wanted to know. Something in me wanted to know everything. It surprised me. Much has surprised me recently.

I didn't have that much problems with professorn using Legilimency on me, or well I had, but it wasn't much I could do about it. I'm feeling guilty about not being able to save Draco from death. If there's something I can do to ease the last part of his life, I would. And at the moment, this is the only thing I can do.

--

"You're getting better at it." Blythe announced on Tuesday the last week. I could feel a smile forming on my lips. "I think you can start with Mr. Malfoy now." he said a bit more seriously. "But I have to be present in case anything goes wrong."

I nodded, returning the serious look. I got up to catch Draco. He was as usual in his room, reading.

"It's time. I can try now, says professor Blythe." I told him. He really looked uncomfortable. I almost pitied him as he slowly got up, looking like all he wanted to do was to run for it, like he'd done before.

But I wouldn't let him. I gave him a small, assuring smile and walked close behind him down the stairs, so I would be able to catch him if he'd try to escape again. We both knew that there was no use to run away, even if he'd might try. Draco entered the little glade in the forest where professor Blythe already waited.

"Okay, so we'll begin small. Mr. Potter, I want you to sit here." he said and pointed at a rock. "And Mr. Malfoy, here." he said and pointed at another rock. We did as told and now we were facing towards each other. We were so close that our legs were almost touching.

"Mr. Potter. Do as I teached you. Mr. Malfoy, now listen clearly to me."

I saw how Draco did everything to avoid looking into my eyes. His gaze went up to the sky, down to his lap, to the left in to the forest, and to the right at professor Blythe.

"Okay, so when Mr. Potter here will try to enter your mind, you have to empty it. Make it blank. You have to control your emotions and empty everything for Mr. Potter to be unable to see anything."

-Draco's pov-

I nodded. I had understood what he said. But I didn't feel confident at all. Could I make it? I'm pretty good at hiding my emotions from my face. I've had years of practice. But from my mind? I've never found the need to blank my mind. My mind has always been my own and only I have been able to access it. Now I must defend it, from Harry. I finally looked into Harry's eyes.

They were so beautifully green... Shock! The shock was great and I wasn't prepared. I knew I couldn't be prepared. Harry was penetrating my mind. He saw it. Everything was lying before him.

I tried desperately to hide it, to restrain. But I must have done wrong because I couldn't get him out.

I was naked, lying shackled on the bed while a man was crawling up on me. Touching me. Scratches my skin with his long nails. The man's tongue was long and snakelike. It was filling my mouth until I didn't think anything more could fit in. I wanted to throw up. The taste was like death. I had seen what this man usually ate. Human flesh. I could still taste the blood on his tongue. He continued touching me. The wounds left by his nails was bleeding. He penetrated me without a warning. It hurt, like always. I screamed out in the room. No one would save me. I am useless. I am an eyesore. The worst thing I've ever done was being born. I deserve this. This is my punishment for disobeying my father. For trying to save Melonie. For being me.

Hundreds of memories went before me. I cried at the thought of Harry seeing them too. I didn't want this. But I actually felt relieved. It was weird. I felt relieved, because now Harry knew everything. It was out. It was done. If he'd hate me now, he'd hate me. I can't change that. I can't pretend I'm someone I'm not in front of Harry now. Because he knew. It felt good to know that he knew. That I'm not the only one knowing. That it's out of me and in him too. But it didn't put away the fear. Fear of being rejected, hated. Even if that's what I'd counted with, even if that's what my mind wanted. I knew it wasn't what my heart wanted. My heart wanted to live, my heart wanted Harry. My heart was stupid. It hadn't learned anything at all since the death of Melonie. It was still stupidly naive to think that I could save a person. That I could get what I want in the end. My mind didn't allow that. I didn't deserve to get what I want. I was meaningless and soon dead.

-Harry's pov-

I just wanted to scream, cover my eyes. I had a suspicion that this might be the case, but to see the memories, to feel the pain and fear that covered Draco's whole being. Now I understood. I understood why Draco was as he was, why he'd done what he'd done to us. Why he was so eager to die. It would be his salvation. His rescue. He didn't trust anyone. He didn't want to trust anyone. He just wanted to be able to die in peace. But he also wanted me. He wanted me so despirately much. Wanted me to hold him, kiss him. To care for him, protect him. During the scenes I saw of the rape on Draco I felt it. The need to protect Draco, telling the snake man to fuck off, that Draco was off limits. That the snake man had no rights to do that.

I took a deap breath. I didn't mean to go that deep. To look so far into Draco's mind. I looked at Draco. He was shaking and crying. I had seen everything. How he and Melonie had played and laughed together, how her stomach had been ripped open, everything. The last time Draco ever gave a whole heartedly laugh was when he was five years old. Five years old! I streached out my hand and touched Draco's head. I then took my other hand and pulled the boy into my embrace. The terrible things he'd been living trough. How could he have survived that? I understood why he wanted to die. If his father ever get a hold of him... I didn't want to think about it. Just now all I want was to feel the blonde hair on my chin and his face on my neck. Professor Blythe left us alone for a while.