I am watching her these days, not that I did not before, it just that she smiles more beautifully when with him. Samip and Lila have grown to good friends. Well may be more than friends. I have been watching them; across the table.
Maybe be I am putting up with my insecurities but I always thought I was Lila’s friend, the only friend indeed. At this point of time, I am very much clear; clear at least on one thing. I want her to say “YES” to my love cause I know unloved is too hard to bear. All this while, I have tried too hard to keep hold on everything, on her. I thought I will just tell her one day, straight away! And she would just smile hard. Too hard that I would know my answer-without she answering it. I had dreamt for a picture inside my head already. But dreams get shattered you know. Only if we could hear the noise while they get shattered: I would have prepared myself, made myself stronger.
Situation is almost the same on the other side of class. Well worse, I guess. Richa has all the insecurities too; the difference is she is rather indecent the way she shows it. We two are bunch of jealous balls now.
Last night I tried reaching Lila on her phone, and it was busy for almost hours. I haven’t had any courage to ask whom she spoke to, or, if I will ask, will it seem as if I will be invading her privacy? I think these small things have been keeping me away. But, I decide I will speak to her about things, many things that have been inside my head for days. TODAY!
As bell rings, our teacher comes in. Today she has a topic. ‘Emotions’ . She starts it with a Romeo Juliet and than travels all across the world to give examples about them. A sudden sheer runs down my spine. I feel like crying but I can’t because I am a man. And I won’t but, it seems as if I have understood the meaning of emotion just now! As if someone has flipped over the pages of dictionary like never before. Our English teacher is amazing; she explains the things like no one does. That is why Lila loves her and that is why I love her.
I looked at her. But, she did not look at me. We never faced each other. Cause she was paying attention. But I kept on watching her, across the table. It was as if someone has secretly placed her away from me. Days back she was sitting with me, sharing the same book. Now, my table is empty but, I am certainly watching her more passionately and observing her more delicately in this regard.
“It suffocates me, when I am away from you”; she had once said. Was she implying a metaphor, I could never tell. I would have interpreted hundreds of literary works if what she said made sense now. And now, Lila has become a text that I could never read between the lines. I could not interpret anything she said, “You talk poetry”- I had said to her over our cup of Coffee two months ago, and that made sense now, I think. I was trying to figure out why would she say something like that when she doesn’t really mean it? Why is it not suffocating her when she is away from me now?
“Am I just falling in love with her when the feelings aren’t evidently mutual? Were our feelings never mutual? Or am I just over reacting too much?”
I am thinking, as I was still watching her across the table: from a distance.
