Confessions of a transgender - LGBT Fiction

Disconnected

              I feel so disconnected sometimes. It's like I'm not even in my body anymore. I see through my own eyes and yet I'm wondering what I'm doing in this stranger's body. It's like it's not me. It always happens so suddenly... One moment I'm just walking around, and the moment after I'm out. I would even swear that one time I saw myself from outside. I can't explain it. Some people would say it's dysmorphia... But I don't know. I don't feel bad when it happens. Just... Disconnected. It makes me feel so different, so weird. Go and try to explain someone that you're just out of your own body sometimes! They will look at you like you're crazy.

It's so hard for me to connect with people. I really try my best though. I go out, see a lot of people, and enjoy myself at parties... Well, try to enjoy myself at parties to be honest. Because there is always this moment when I just wonder what the fuck I'm doing here with all those people I barely know. I used to feel forced to go to that kind of huge parties, I thought that I had to pretend that I like it too, to be more "normal". The truth is, I never liked it. It's too noisy, I never know what to say, where to be... I always feel so awkward, like I don't belong there. I always feel like I don't belong. I wish I was invisible sometimes, so I can get out and be as weird as I want to be without feeling like people are judging me all the fucking time. Invisibility would be freedom. But dreams are just dreams right? Instead I have to get out to everyone's sight every day, bare their judgmental eyes on me, their frowns, their faces... It's just too much sometimes, so I stay home, by myself. I hate when I do that, when my mind forces me to do that, to cancel all my plans for the day just because "I can't". It's awful. I feel so powerless. The worst part is, it doesn't make me feel better: at the end of the day I feel lonelier than ever.

After that night under the bridge, I had a lot of those disconnected time. I found shelter in a town near mine, where an association for desperate young adults took me in. I stayed there for a while. No one never came to ask for me. My family had definitely decided to cast me away from now on, and I had no friends but my only one and true best friend, who wasn't in town. Talking about him hurt so much now, with all that happened... But he's a part of the story, so I have to tell it. Be brave, Nathan. Breath.

On the third week I finally called him. I hadn't gather enough courage before to call him without crying like a child, and I didn't want him to worry too much. He was in this brilliant university studying medicine, so far away from me. He answered at the first ring. I did cry though, and I had uttered barely three words on the phone that he already had guessed the entire story.

What can I say? The day after I was in the bus to join him.