Confessions of a transgender - LGBT Fiction

It's snowing

It's snowing. It started yesterday, white little flakes falling from the sky. I wonder how something that beautiful can make people feel so lonely. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because of the silence that comes with it. Sounds are muffled and everything becomes so quiet. It's relaxing, it feels like everything is over. Like everything in the world have been covered by a shroud, like nothing is left, but quiet and beauty. 

I feel lonely. I have been lonely for days. Maybe for months. Sometimes there are feelings you were desperate to hide in your subconscious since such a long time that they just come out and kick you in the heart. I have been lonely for years. It just make it worse when I lost my bestfriend a few months ago. I thought I had other friends now, that I would be fine. But all the relationships I have built since highschool are just... shallow. There's nothing that make it strong. No common childhood memory, no remembrance of past innocence. Just polite and nice talks. That's not enough. I feel so lonely that I need more, but because I felt this way I was uncapable to built meaningful relationships with the people I have met on my way. 

I feel like I can't connect with people anymore. They hurt me too much. My whole childhood was just a lie lived in a dollhouse, my friends turned their back to me when they realized who I really was. A few of them couldn't even tell me in the eyes they were not okay with me. They just make me disappear in the oblivion like I wasn't alive anymore. I know now that I haven't really been alive since I was a child. I want to live so much. I want to live, I'm one of those people who just can't have enough, who just NEED to be free, to discover, to try, to live an adventure; one of those people who want to travel, and see people, and eat, and drink, and have sex, and laugh and cry, and LIVE. I want to live so much. But for some reasons I have been stopped a few years ago and I can't fix myself. And I have been trying, again and again, by leaving my parents' house, by becoming the person I was born to be, by falling in love... But each times those experiences failed to bring me happiness. I hate myself for not being able to DO what I want, to not being able to just get out and be happy. I tell myself everyday that I could have everything if only I could bring myself to connect with people again. They hurt me but I need them. I need people to be strong, I need people to live.

I miss people, I miss my life. I'm so alone. All the love I ever felt was based on lies and failures. Nothing was ever real. I got no one. 

It's snowing today.