Brian Quinn - Love is Murder

Chapter 4

Emma made me leave work early so i would be there in time for Brian arriving at the adress i gave him even though it is only a five minute walk from my flat i think she's more worried about this going well than me.
In my heart i knew i shouldn't have done this to him for the first time going out just me and him because i know its going to scare him off which usually i wouldn't be bothered about, but theres just something about this man that entices me like no one before. My head on the other side was telling me this was the right thing to do as i'm in no place to get my heartbroken.
My head was racing even though i hoped this would only be a one time thing as there was no way he'd ever want anything more. I kept asking myself the same questions on repeat whilst picking out my clothes should i let him in? Can i trust him? What if he sees the real me?
I finally picked out what i was going to wear an vintage Ben Sherman that fit just right where it needed to, my Levi denim skirt eventhough it is a little shorter than what i'm comfortable wearing, my three eye cherry red Doc Martens topped off with fishnet tights which would hopefully hide just how pale i really am.
I just got out the door when i realised out of all the things i had forgotten to put my glasses on. How could i possibly forget the item that actually makes me able to see. Luckily my flat is on the first floor so i had enough time to run back up and get them along with picking up my old Levi denim jacket. It took me slightly longer than usual to get to the adress, but it was still only 6:51 so i thought i'd go in and get myself a drink to calm my nerves a little. I knew a lot of people from here, but wouldn't really class any of them as friends just people i had spoke to a few times. Approaching the bar the man behind it turned and looked at the clock "a little early to be here isn't it Lol?" He asked "anyway the usual one?" Whilst laughing a little i replied "yeah slightly early isn't it, but i told someone to meet me here so i'm going to drink the one before they arrive". His eyes lit up instantly "by 'they' i'm going to presume you mean you've brought someone here on a date?" He asked inquisitavely "Yeah" i answered looking around "maybe it was a bad idea" i added with a little chuckle whilst he was making my drink "well personally i wouldn't have unless you want the man to be scared to death, but who knows with you. Well heres a large Jameson on the rocks" he said sliding it over to me "thank you, but do me a favour and please don't scare him too much i'm kind of regretting it now" i said guiltily "what do you think i am Lol?" He said sarcastically with a wink. All these nerves over someone who i'll probably never see again after this night was making me crave nicotine more than ever. I walked outside with my drink and a cigarette hanging from my lips when i caught a sight of Brian looking up at where i had told him to meet me he really didn't fit in here he was wearing a Yankess cap, faded black jeans which on anyone would have looked too big, but on Brian fitted just right and a grey hoodie. He looked so nervous which made the guilt inside me worsen yet made the thoughts in my head a little better is he really this nervous for me because theres no way he hasn't been to a place like this before. I walked further out the door until he finally saw me which was when his eyes lit up a little bit more almost as if he felt completely comfortable now he had seen me. "Hey, Lol!" He shouted like i hadn't already seen him stood in front of me "Hi Brian, i see you found the place" i replied getting the clipper from my pocket
"Well i asked a few people if they knew the adress, but only one said they knew of it and his only advice to me was not to come which i will say made me a tiny bit nervous" he looked down at his feet almost as if it had hurt his masculinity even saying that. "Well when i saw you i will say you looked a bit more than a little nervous" i joked back to him which made him laugh a little "okay so Lol are you going to spend the night joking at my expense or can we learn a little more about eachother" he replied whilst leaning one hand against the brick wall behind me causing me to slide out of his way. I knew it wasn't a necessary thing to do, but it was my instinct i never let people too close to me. As soon as i moved he dropped his arm from the wall whilst looking rather confused "oh erm i'm sorry i didn't mean to make" i couldn't let him think me moving was because it was him "No sorry it wasn't you it was just my instinct to move away i'm sorry honestly i'll move back a little if it makes you feel bad sorry again" he let out a little sigh of relief "wow three sorrys in one sentence are you sure you're sorry?" He said whilst smirking at me enough to cause a smile to escape from my lips. Taking the last drag of my cigarette and the last sip of my whisky i led the way in with Brian staying as close he felt he could towards me without making me uncomfortable. I stopped at the first table i came across which happened to be a booth so i slid across to the other side of the table whilst Brian sat on the opposite side. "Well what do you think?" I said whilst watching Brians eyes take the whole place in. "I honestly can't believe i have never been here before when i've lived in the city my whole life" he replied as if genuinely questioning himself "Matt told me about the place when i first started working with him as when we started talking turns out he used to be a punk and well with me only growing my hair back three years ago it seemed this was the place right for me so i've been coming ever since" his eyes darkened a little before speaking "oh so you and that Matt come here a lot then" he said whilst playing with his keys not looking up at me "i've been here maybe three times with him in the 4 years i have been here so no not really." Was he really getting like this because he thought me and Matt had a thing maybe Emma was right about both their feelings towards me. "Here what drink do you want? i'll go up and get it" i asked trying to kill the awkwardness now in the air which made him smile a little "If you really think i'm letting you go up and buy me the first drink of this date you have another thing coming" a date? This really means he does want to get to know me even after bringing him here to a run down punk bar in the back streets of Brooklyn. "Honestly if you think i believe in any of that bullshit like that YOU have another thing coming. And since when was this a date?" I asked curiously whilst getting up from my side of the booth "Jameson right?" His only response was a nod as if he was confused as to how i'd remembered his drink order.
Making my way back from the bar i saw around ten people surrounding Brian which was such a sight to see him looking as casual as ever whilst surrounded by twenty year old men with brightly coloured hawks. By the time i got to the table i realised they were all asking for photos with him which shocked me as much as it shocked Brian. "well that was an experience" he said lightening the mood "why have you not got a drink?" He added whilst looking at me confused. I could see why he was i mean a 24 year old girl sat it a loud bar with no drink is something to confuse anyone. "I had one before you got here so i won't drink anymore now." I replied bluntly hoping he wouldn't ask anymore questions "so a young girl in a bar only has one drink the whole night? Tell me why is that?" The question stunned me i couldn't think of a way to answer without it leading into my past or more questions.
"Well i have my reasons it will always be the same." Why did i just say that it leads straight to another bunch of questions i'm so fucking stupid. "Well will you tell me your reasons?" He asked trying not to be too pushy "the easiest way to put it is i've seen too many bad endings stemming from alcohol i don't want my own" he seemed to focus on my answer replaying it in his head until he could think of a response "Okay i understand, but  i do hope one day you will actually tell me what happened? Oh and i hope you don't mind me drinking do you?" I really don't think he does understand, but for now no more questions about it is just what i needed. "You really think i'm going to tell a 40 year old man that i've met four times how to live his life?" I replied sarcastically i can't show him how much things really affect me just yet "no, but i'd rather know what you are and aren't comfortable with going on around you. I really wouldn't want anything i do to upset you or you know make you feel awkward" my mind was racing does he really care this much about how i feel already? Maybe he is a good guy and i've just been an asshole.
As the night went on we talked about our hobbies and interests which suprised me by how much we actually had in common. He tried to steady himself, but he was no where near sober as we were leaving the bar. "Brian how are you getting home you live on Staten Island right?" I asked genuinely concerned "i parked just around the corner, but i can't seem to find my keys" even his words weren't coming out properly
"You really think i'm going to let you drive home you absolute idiot. Whats your adress i'll call you a cab?" I could see him trying to focus just enough to get his words out, but they failed him after getting "23" out. "A 40 year old man who was going to drink drive all the way to Staten Island and then doesn't even know his own adress the perfect man huh" i spoke with humor in my voice, but somehow it didn't translate the same to him.
"I know i'm a fucking arsehole aren't i. Leave me here and i'll sober up whilst walking please don't feel like you have to look out for me already. I'm sorry" his eyes looked so dark it broke my heart that he could feel that bad about himself after what i had said now i do have to look after him tonight. "Look Brian i didn't mean it like that it was just a joke. From what i've seen none of that is true! Come on we're only a five minute walk from my flat" i couldn't leave him like this especially if he was feeling down. "No honestly Lol theres no need i'll make my own way home it shouldn't be the girl looking after the man" this statement humored me "why are you smirking?" He asked so seriously which showed just how much of an emotional drunk he was. Something i'd seen a lot of before so i knew i had to get him somewhere before he got worse or fell to sleep in an alley somewhere. "Brian come on follow me now" i spoke with a little more seriousness causing him to instantly turn to walk behind me. After a difficult five minute walk which seemed to talk hours with him apologizing and saying he was going to walk home we were finally at my buildings entrance. Luckily being on the first floor it wasn't too difficult to get Brian up there. I stood at my door getting the set of keys out my pocket when he came behind me closer than usual the smell of whiskey radiating from his skin with his breath being nearly intoxicating when he spoke "hey Lol you probably shouldn't have showed me where you live on the furst date" the serious tone in his voice caused me to drop the keys almost in a panic of what he was going to do "wait no that came out so wrong now i seem like a fucking murderer or something. I said it in my head a few times it was just meant to be flirty" laughing at my own stupidity of how i'd reacted and the fact he'd tried so hard to come up with something like that caused him to laugh as well "Well Brian Quinn believe me when i say i fully thought you were going to kill me before i even let you through the door now come on and get in" i spoke sarcastically even though what i said was completely true. I stopped him at the kitchen to give him a glass of water and some painkillers so it wouldn't be so bad in the morning for him. We walked along the hallway until i opened my bedroom door "wow your bedroom on the first date huh" one good thing i noticed about him was that he always had a way to make me laugh "pass me your phone i'll put it on charge. I'm going to get in the shower if you could can you try and stay on the right hand side of the bed. I know weird request, but you are in my house" i know what i said will make him question things and i could tell the walk home and water had sobered him up more than i imagined. "Sure no worries your house your rules" at least he accepted it "well i'm going in the shower" i said whilst grabbing my pyjamas and secretly trying to get my tablets without him seeing. "If you think i'm bothered that you're on tablets you have me completely wrong" he said i could feel his eyes burning into me from behind. I had nothing to say to that so i just nodded and exited the room as quick as i could.
After a quick shower i through my shorts and vest on and tied my hair on top of my head whilst walking to my door to check on Brian. Opening the door i saw him doing exactly what i expected, snoring loudly in a deep sleep which i had no doubt that was what i was going to walk into. When i looked closer i could see he took his jeans and his hoodie off and layed them through the middle of the bed to stop him from rolling over to where i had asked him to try not to. I never thought he had would have even remembered what i said to him bare in my mind stick to it. I walked back to my front room stood and took my tablets and opened the fire escape to go for my last smoke. Tonight really wasn't as bad as i had expected infact apart from having to show him where i live and how it had gone really quite well. I finished my cigarette and grabbed the duvet from my spare room and headed to the sofa after giving one last look at Brian. He looked so peaceful when he slept. I really can't be feeling this way.