Don't Tell Sammy

Chapter 19: The Elevator Ritual

What was on the cards was a night of surprise and hilarity.

The show opened with a double lip sync performance and the singles they'd gotten were well used as both queens strutted their way through the crowd, Indie in what seemed to be her signature purple hair, and India in something messy and blonde, both of them wearing extremely tight sequin leotards, Indie's dark blue and India's black, and once that performance was over the curtain closed and they went behind it, and when it opened again the stage was free of the money that had been thrown on it and on it there were to mics in stands, and the queens strutted back out for their comedy.

Indie was just as upbeat and friendly as she'd seemed to be off stage, her hair dark and her eyeliner bright and eccentric, her insults comedic and sharp, her wit quick and forever boiling beneath the surface. India was more relaxed, equally as comedic and cutting, and she spoke with a thick Russian accent and introduced herself as 'India Sokoloff, but I think Sokoloff sounds too much like suck-all-off, so I let my friends call me India Soul. I consider anyone to be my friend once they've seen my vagina and you can all see the outline right now so that means we're friends. And if you've seen my asshole it means we're dating and there's nothing you can do about it.'

The accent made India Soul sound even more like "in the asshole" than it would have sounded in a regular old American accent like Indie Ass's.

They insulted approximately half the audience for the next hour, ranging from outfits to hair styles to what they were drinking, and even to the huge grins of some of the more eager people who were insulted. One of the insults that stuck hardest with Dean and Cas making sure hilarity ensued between them was when India Soul walked up to someone and said 'your face looks like it was carved by an angel,' followed by a long pause and then: 'Lucifer. Because you're ugly.'

'What are you laughing at?' Indie talked over, glancing at Dean whom she clearly recognized. 'Your face may be fine but I've seen you standing and your legs remind me of a pair of pliers. I wonder, when you open and close them, could your asshole pull out a bolt or at this stage is it too loose? And you next to him, there was more salt in that bag the other night than there is in my mood every time I remember Alyssa was eliminated before Coco on Rupaul's Drag Race season five. The bag was this big, people, this big.' She made an extreme gesture, far bigger than the bag had actually been. 'Must be to pave the driveway of this one's ass so everyone who visits doesn't slip on the snows of winter falling in there.'

Dean didn't care that he was being insulted by someone he'd talked to all of one time, who was still a perfect stranger and knew nothing about him. He didn't care that his actual literal asshole was being talked about and insulted in front of an audience. Because this tall and glorious creature in front of him who was prettier than any biological woman he'd ever seen was dragging his ass through the dirt and the snow and he honestly wanted to thank her.

And then the show moved on, because India started snapping at someone who was on their phone and not paying attention and Indie went over to back her up.

After the hour of comedy, there was a five minute break, and the show opened again with another lip sync performance but this time it was a comedy one, ten minutes long and included a lot of dialogue lip syncing and interrupting each other and told a story, and at the end of it they spent another ten minutes telling the real story behind what the lip sync was based on which included aliens, a trip to Las Vegas and the CIA, so the "real" story wasn't so real in the end.

The last parts of the performance were spent arguing with members of the audience, and then there was a break of an hour where Dean and Cas got some food and discussed the performance before the next show started again.