"I told you specifically not to go, yet you did. If I can't trust you with simple things, this relationship isn't going to work!". He was pissed, all I had done was gone out for some much needed girl time with Grace and Chloe. "Are you even listening to me right now?" His face was twisted into a sneer, as he grabbed my wrist and yanked me towards him. Keep your head down. Don't challenge him when he's like this. He pushed me, and I stumbled backwards, luckily hitting the countertop behind me. I had learned fast that the ground wasn't where I wanted to be at a time like this. He forced my chin upward, "Look at me dirty little slut" A hard smack was all that could heard, as my breathing had stopped. I felt tears threaten to spill out of my eyes as my chin quivered. His face turned into one of horror, realizing the weight of what he had just done. It's time to go. I shoved past him running to the nearest open door which just happened to be the coat closet. His reflexes were just slow enough for me to make my escape. I had learned the hard way that all the other doors except the closet had windows and many doors. I gripped the door, slamming it in place with the lock on in seconds. He pounded his fists against the door, "I'm sorry Rowan, I didn't want to hurt you". You never want to hurt me. I sank to the ground my arms wrapped around my knees, as silent sobs wracked my body. The pounding stops. The apology and blame.
"Rowan, let me in, we should talk about this. I know you're upset, but I didn't want you near other guys so you could hoe around with them". A large crack and a sound of frustration penetrated the silence between us. I jerked away from the door to a standing position, seeing an indentation of splintered wood mere inches above my head when I had been sitting. "This is your fault. I wouldn't have hit you if you had just listened to me". No no no no no no. Don't fall for it, it isn't your fault. But it is. He wouldn't be mad if I had just stayed home with him. There were too many ifs. If I hadn't worn a skirt that day, he wouldn't have slid his hand too far up my leg in the movie theater. If I had gone to the party, he wouldn't have found someone else to occupy his time. "Rowan if you don't open this fucking door right now, we're through". Please let this be over. Walk away this time. He wouldn't do that though, his threats were never fulfilled when I exited whatever locked space I happened to be in that time around, he would embrace me like nothing happened, making me an ice cream sundae or cookies, and showing me the guy I fell in love with for a few hours. Bargaining.
"Babe, I'll fix this I promise, it won't ever happen again, just come out so we can talk". Liar. I saw in the way the door sagged the way his back hit the door and slid down it, the top of his jeans visible under the door. I felt like a prisoner in solitary confinement with a guard standing watch just outside my cell door, waiting for me to make a mistake, so they could try out their new taser their wife had just bought them for Christmas. I felt my body crumple, collapsing in a heap, knocking the tie rack to knock off the nearby shelf. I was worn out, I couldn't do this any longer. The back and force, anticipation, anxiety. I spotted the selection of ties I had in front of me, reminding me of the very first time we went out together. How a boy aged 14 stood shyly on my porch, his head turning to the side, scanning his surroundings, awaiting my approach in a sloppily tied bright green bow tie with orange polka dots. How when asked about it he swelled with pride saying he was going to join the circus when he turned 18, leaving school and his life behind for the chance to see the world. The way he had taken my hand and led me to the center of the crowded restaurant, insisting we dance to the slow jazz playing from the speakers. That night was perfect, but that was before either of us knew anything. We were young and stupid, caring too much about trivial things and not enough about the things that mattered most.
I smiled softly to myself picking up a soft pink tie, bought by him because it was my favorite color. I tied it silently as I whispered into the silence, "I can't do this anymore Logan". The world just seemed to fade away into real silence, no buzzing of lights, no swish of fabric, nor the sound of my breathing, just nothingness. I reached up, tying the pastel fabric to the light on the ceiling and slipping my head into the empty space. I dropped, for a split second I felt like I had done it, it was over, but I fell through slipping from the perfectly arranged fabric into his arms. I cried. He whispered soothing sounds in my ears as we huddled on the ground, like we had done many times before. I cried for myself, but most of all I cried for the cage that was locked too tight, that I couldn't escape. Acceptance. After what seemed like hours, my tears dried up, "I'm sorry" I whispered. He looked down at me with his endless brown eyes, "I know". He pulled me closer to him as I fell asleep on the closet floor.
