It's Not Goodbye It's Just Till Next Time

Chapter 9

   I can't stand myself at this moment. I couldn't stand myself a lot lately. Ever since father died I've wanted to die. I've fallen into a depression that I can't seem to get out of. It's been awful these last few weeks. I just don't see the point of living anymore. I feel like a burden to the boys they had a great life until I showed up and messed every thing up.

My thoughts are cut short as my door slowly creeped open. I assumed it was Paul checking on me until I heard a chuckle. I knew then that it wasn't anyone I wanted to see.

"I'm so glad those guys didn't rape you because I've been waiting for the right time to take it, and I think now is the perfect time", Jason said while getting on to my bed.

"Now don't make any nosies or I'll cut you again" he warned.

He started undressing, I didn't know what to do; I tried getting away ,but it was no use. He is a strong military built guy ,and I am about a 100 pound girl. As soon as we were both undressed he got under the covers with me. I was to scared to move or do anything.

Without warning he entered me. I hurt so bad ,but couldn't do anything about it ,and we both knew that. All I could do was just lay there and wait for it to be over. Waiting for ever thing to be over. The pain seemed to last forever ,that was until I when numb and almost passed out. However I didn't, I wish I did ,but I didn't. I wish I would pass out and not wake up. I didn't want to be alive anymore. I can't take it anymore.

After what seemed like forever he was finished. I felt so dirty ,but its was not the kinda that a hot shower would fix. It was one that would stick with me forever. The kind that would cause me to keep quiet to avoid embarrassment even though I had no choice.

Jason was walking out the door until he turned and said, " I'll be back for more tomorrow".

I felt sick to my stomach after he said that. I didn't want to live anymore. I couldn't take it anymore. I started crying even more than I already was. I knew I was having a panic attack ,but I didn't have the energy to pull myself out of it, I've been thought to much lately and I can't hold it inside anymore. I just don't want to be alive anymore it was to much. To much stress, to much pain and sorrow; I just don't want this life anymore if this is what it's going to be like.

I got up and started pacing the room, ignoring the pain that spread thought my entire body. I started thinking again. It's never good when I start to think the voices come back and everything gets so confusing I can't separate my thoughts from real life. I glance over to my closet where I see my rope belt hanging on the door. I stared at it for a long time.

I can end it now all of it, the abuse, the sorrow everything thing could just end. That would be so peaceful. Not having to deal with anything anymore it could all just end. I started over to the closet ,and removed the belt from the hanger. I just stared at it for a moment thinking this is what's going to end my life. I've made it thought so much and this is what's going to kill me.

I tied the belt in to a noose around the closet rod. I paused for a second ,and grabbed my notebook sitting on my desk along with my favorite pen and began writing.

Dear Everyone ,

I'm sorry to go this way ,but it's for the best. I can't stand being a burden to you guys anymore. It's not fair to you all and it's not fair to me. I hope you all know that I love you and I want you all to be happy so that's why I did this. I just can't stand living in this world that's full of sorrow, pain ,and grief. You really don't understand how hard it is for me not to slit my wrist every day. It's easier for me to watch the blood run down my arm than it is to breath. You don't understand that it hurts me so bad that I don't want to be alive. It's better for me to die than to live this life. The ringing in my ears keeps getting louder and the only thing I can hear now are the demons that surround me. I'm screaming out ,but on one seems to listen. I'm falling deeper into my pit of depression. I seem to be killing myself from the inside out.

I don't believe anyone can understand how much someone has to hate themselves in order to tear themselves apart. I believe that everyone is just hanging on to that last little bit of hope ,but sadly I've run out of my little bit of hope ,and I'm not getting anymore any time soon. I just want someone to tell me that it will all be okay ,and actually mean it. Everyone told me when our dad died that everything would be okay ,but here I am at 2 O'clock in the morning writing a suicide note. You guys were the ones that held me up when I couldn't carry myself. Day by day the loneliness sinks in cutting deeper and deeper into my soul killing me from the inside out death is near ,but not so peaceful. I feel like I need to runaway; say goodbye and leave forever , but I can't run from what is inside. Sadness feels me within drowning me in a sea of sorrow I can't breath death is near. I'll leave you with these finally words goodbye so long ,and I'll miss you.

love,

Janis

I finished writing my note and set my notebook ,opened to that page, and pen down on my desk. Just think tomorrow morning when the guys come in to wake me up there not going to see the note. The first thing their going to see is not the note. They're going to see my empty bed ,and my closet door opened just a little. They're going to see my lifeless body dangling from the rod. They won't see the note after they find my body. I just hope they understand after reading my note. That I didn't do it because of them. I did it because I'm not strong enough to handle the pressure of life anymore. I not killing myself because I hate them or anything; I'm killing myself because I love them to much to keep them suffering because of me.

I pull my desk chair in to my closet and position it under the rope that I had tied earlier. I took one last look around my room that I had only lived in for the last few days. It feels weird that I live in the same room that my father slept in with his secret wife. I wonder if my farther was ever planing on telling me about his secret live. It's things like this that make me question ever thing I know.

I stepped up on the chair and put the rope around my neck ,and tightened it. I push the chair away as I hung there no thoughts no feelings as I look back on my life I learned I had nothing to live for and finally death is here.

And finally death is here.