wish i could

the chicks chirp.

Noah drove for a long while before putting a C.D. in the slot and letting the music fill the van. Emma yawned and opened her eyes before stretching, and waking herself up. "Emma, where are we going" Noah asked her after she was fully awake.

"we are going north, like we always been. you know this" she made it sound like a dumb question.

"no that's not what i meant, i mean where are we planning on stopping? why are we going north? when will we get to wherever we're going?" he was frustrated

"we are going to stop at the next city, it's about another 2 hours" she said as she flipped through the C. Ds 

"stop it Emma. i need to know. you are running from borderline, i know that. but you have us running. and that's all you plan on doing. running. i am done running, we can't go north forever we will have to stop. we need a plan. i am sorry for what happened at borderline but you can't just keep running from something that is not there" he was almost shouting. his breath was heavy.

"it's time to be honest with you, i do know where we are going" she said in a whispered tone "we are going to Khan, when we were at borderline i heard a few people talking about how it was a huge koi community, that it was doing research on silk. they are one of the last koi strongholds and they have a larger army and a safe community. i am going to set you up with a room and food there and then i am going to join the fight" there was silence, and he looked at the road a single tear fell down his cheek.

"you can't join a fight. the menders will kill you." he whimpered

"in order to get a unit and safely, one person has to join the fight. one soldier one unit." she forced herself to sound and look strong.

"then i will join, i just can't stand you being out there without me, you will die, we have to stick together" he said

"i will be fine as long as i know you are safe, trust me this is the best thing for both of us" the car fell silent again. and it was like that for a long time. Noah's  hands gripped at the wheel. and Emma looked down at the CD's pretending not to care, but all she wanted to do was get her mind off what had happened. Morgan got out from under the seat and started clawing at the window. "she has to use the restroom, pull over" Emma whispered. Noah pulled off onto the side of the road, he got out of the car and started to stretch in the middle of the highway. Emma opened the side door and Morgan raced out into the field of hay. a group of birds and bug flew up from her path. she chased them and ran around and used the restroom. Emma looked up at the sky, it was still lightly raining. she pulled out one of the gas tanks and filled up the van. she tried to get every drop inside the car. Noah walked back and forth on the road. stretching out his long muscular arms and letting the wind wipe at his black hair. Morgan had finished terrorizing the bugs and the birds and had ran up the back of Emma sat on her shoulder, and curled her tail around Emma's neck for support. she worked on the car for a few minutes. she let Noah walk because she wanted him to have enough time to process.

after she had finished she went to the back of the van and opened it up. she reached past the rifle and into her bag for one can of spam and 2 bottles of water. she sat on the road and leaned her back against the rusted van she set the food and water at her right side. she was stressed, but she tried not to show it. Noah kept walking back and forth. he was pacing, it helped him think. emma closed her eyes and took deep breaths, she was blocking everything out and she cleared her mind. she could smell the rain and hear the wind and she was calmer. she felt some weight on her left shoulder. she knew what it was and kept her eyes closed for a few seconds, before letting out a sigh and looking out at the lightning fill faraway skies. Noah had sat next to her and was leaning his head on her. "i don't want you to go" his voice cracked and a tear hung on his eye. the sound broke Emma's heart.

"i know, but i want you to be safe, the menders are getting desperate, we can't stay like this" she kept looking out at the sky. she did not want to look him in the eye. it would only make it worse.

"it's not fair, the downfall took everything. my mom. my dad. my childhood. my life. it can't take you. this world owes me something" he knew he could not win this argument, but that did not stop him from trying. he could not stand the thought of her leaving him.

"noah, you have to be strong, you can do this all without me..." she was cut off by Noah. he took his head from her shoulder and had jumped up until he was looking down at her and the tears fell out of his eyes with every word he said.

"no, i can't, emma. you are my world. you have raised me, and saved me, and took care of me. i am not strong, i can't do it without you. i need you." his voice was unsteady and faltered but it was clear that he was shouting. she looked at the strom, she would not look him in the eye. the silence was painful. the wind and the raindrops felt like the loudest thing she had ever heard. his chest lifted and fell, he was filled with betrayal. his was worried and afraid and desperate, and he turned all sower into hate. "talk to me" he screamed and his fist hit the side of the van leaving a big dent in the side. morgan perked up and hissed before running back into the hay and away from the boom. emma let the rain drops dot her shirt. and she sat for a few seconds longer. before getting up and looking him in the eye.

"it is the only way. i am sorry, but we have to do it. you don't always get what you want. do you think you are the only person who lost everything after the downfall? i have to make choices. for you and for me. it is how we got here. we are still alive because of me. and you will stay alive because of me. what don't you understand about what i am saying? why do you want to make this harder than it is?" she spoke in firm voice. she showed no more emotion. he wiped the tears with the back of his hand. he gave up. he lost the fight and she was right. it was the only way. she sat back down and split the can of spam. she handed Noah the other half of spam and he sat down next to her again, but this time they were both more tense. they looked out at the sky and kept quite.

morgan came crawling back with a chick in her mouth she sat next to the tier, her back was toward Noah and Emma. she chomped and tore apart the pink mass. her claws were deep inside the chicks wings. she was tearing apart its insides and the chick called out to a mother that was not there. it squeaked and pleaded for help. Morgan kept tearing off bits of flesh and happily licked the blood from her lips. the chick was not dieing. it kept calling but it was fight it could not win. Emma stood up and went to mogan. the reptile hissed and stood over its catch. but as Emma got closer Morgan backed up hastily. Emma picked up the chick. it was still pink but had a few feathers coated in dark red. its stomach had parts hanging out of it and bits of skin hung from the misshapen animal. it pleaded and screamed out for help. emma held the head of it in one hand and the body in the other. she snapped the neck of the bird and its chirping stopped. she tossed the body at morgan who gladly finished it off.

she wanted to know if they were like the chick. hanging onto a life that they had already lost. she wanted to know if they were pleading for help that would never get there. she felt like she was lost. she did not want to die, but she did not want her brother to die either. she knew what would happen. the menders or the snakes or the elements would catch up with them. and their luck would run dry and death would take them over. she killed the chick because she wanted to end its pain. she did not want it to live long enough to see Morgan tear it apart. she wanted it to die before the world became painful for it. it was dead and it had to die to keep Morgan alive. she could relate to the bird a lot. she knew she was going to die and she knew if the menders caught her it would be a slow painful death. she was fighting a battle that she could not win just like the chick.

she walked back and handed her brother one of the bottles of water. and sat down she took the other bottle and sipped at it. when she was finished she stood up and opened the side door. morgan jumped in the car and stood in her seat. emma closed the side door and got into the driver's seat. Noah got up and walked to his side of the car and got in.