The Sleeping Army Awakes

Part 41Finger on the button

Count Mikula's strategy of getting as far away as possible before enabling the button was very wise, because safe and sound, miles away in Berne, Sir Gilbert was already fingering the small ugly electronic device that his valet had handed him.

"Do you mean to say that if I put my finger on the button in my living room in the middle of Berne, then I can explode half a hillside in the middle of the Slavik federation?" Sir Gilbert asked excitedly.

"Precisely so sir!" Ruthers replied. "And we have static drones strategically placed so that you can witness the event live sir."

"Ruthers I feel like a little boy again!" Sir Gilbert remarked.

"Oh dear sir!" Ruthers said ironically. "Already sir?"

Sir Gilbert gave his old retainer one of his looks, but the old man continued turning the screw regardless.

"That is regrettable sir." Ruthers remarked, "We haven't repaired the last one yet. I beg of you not to do this so soon. These episodes used to be so much further apart... and your mother so much wanted you to have progeny. But I am only your vassal. I am only here to advise you"

"I think that you forget that you are a servant." Sir Gilbert accused.

"Sir that is what vassal means sir." Ruthers explained, hoping that his total disregard for Sir Gilbert's lack of intellect was not too obvious, "albeit a favoured and fortunate one having straightened your first nappy."

"You are here to do my bidding!" Sir Gilbert shouted. "Not to lecture me."

"Very well sir! I will summon one forthwith!" Ruthers said and turned to leave. "Apparently the doctor says that the last boy is likely to sing soprano for the rest of his life without the need for additional surgery after he had satisfied your requirements!"

"Now Ruthers!" Sir Gilbert challenged. "I do believe that you deliberately misunderstand me."

"Indeed sir?" Ruthers asked, in what he hoped was a hurt but not too disrespectful manner.

"Now you really have confused me Ruthers." Sir Gilbert complained. "You claimed before that 'Indeed Sir' affirmed a blah blah blah something or other before."

"Indeed sir!" Ruthers affirmed raising an eyebrow, "But that was without the interrogative inflection at the end sir!"

"Then what the bloody Fredding hell does it mean when it has an interactive do da at the end?"

"It means merely to respectfully imply, mild surprise that ones integrity is being besmirched sir!" Ruthers replied, putting an old bony hand to rest on his heart, "When one is scrupulously performing one's duty to one's beloved master!"

Sir Gilbert looked at his old retainer dubiously, but felt that he was losing the battle.

"OK just summarise for me before my head explodes!" Sir Gilbert bellowed in exasperation pointing to the button. "If I push this button will half a hill in Slavik territory disappear or not?"

"Well sir!" Ruthers explained anticipating with relish that his master was unlikely to like the answer that he got. "I'm afraid the answer is in the nature of being... yes and no sir."

"What?" Sir Gilbert Shrieked angrily. "What the Fred is that supposed to mean? How can something be true and untrue at the same time?"

"Are you familiar with Schrödinger's cat sir?" Ruthers asked already knowing that the answer could not be in the affirmative.

"Now you have totally Fredding lost me you wastrel!" Sir Gilbert exploded. "Get back to the point."

"It means sir!" Ruthers explained, excluding quantum physics from the equation."Yes... it will perform its function...and in the not too distant future... but regrettably... not yet."

"Are we still talking about feline familiars or the button you cretin?" Sir Gilbert shouted. "I want to press the button now!" He was wondering what humdinger's feline could possible have to do with explosives and he was starting to think that Saturdays were becoming more difficult than they used to be.

"There seems to be some sort of delay because the Count has to drill so many holes sir." Ruthers answered. "So the device will not function until it has been confirmed by the count that all the charges have been deployed! I rather suspect that he has killed his apprentice... again... and that things are consequently considerably delayed as a result. I have already engaged an assassin to end our cooperation and I have cancelled the transfer of his remuneration!"

"I don't care about all that rot!" Sir Gilbert sulked. "I want to press the button now!"

"Indeed sir?" Ruthers asked. "Will that be all sir?"

"No that is not all!" Sir Gilbert said, holding the small device out right in his servant's face, "Why give me the thing if it doesn't work yet?"

"You requested the item sir!" Ruthers said in a rather hurt tone."and I simply complied with your wishes sir and gave it to you!"

"But you know that sometimes I get things arse about face you halibut!" Sir Gilbert said.

"Sir?" Ruthers asked.

"What the hell does that single syllable mean?" Sir Gilbert asked.

"One was simply asking for clarification sir!" Ruthers said. "One could not possibly countenance agreeing to such a disrespectful assessment of your esteemed self... but neither is it my place to contradict you... so this inevitably leaves a faithful vassal with rather a quandary."

"Get out of my sight Ruthers or there will be consequences!" Sir Gilbert said angrily.

"Certainly sir!" Ruthers said. This was precisely the outcome that Ruthers had striven for from the outset of the conversation. He wanted some privacy for an acrimonious confrontation with Count Mikula.