What's Wrong With Being Confident

Life Altering Yet Challenging Moments

We Got Nerve
Hannah Montana, Album #1

After Courtney went home, I started feeling so bad and not as good as I've felt on Thursday this past week. And I ended up sending Courtney 3 texts and not long after Courtney's mom called to talk to my mom and told her to tell me to stop texting Courtney for she was still puking more and to leave her alone. And part of that also mentioned about me being obsessed, texting her too much. But I don't text her absolutely everyday. She's busy with work and all, so I don't text every day and not too often.

Later throughout my family birthday party, I wasn't chatty nor social with much of the family during that time. Nor was I able to fake a smile at all. I was still in quite a sensitive state to the point I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out while my demons continue to overpower me and my life.

I hate battling and overall living with mental illness. Especially with the power and effects of the stigma and discrimination that our world has created.

And then after the party ended after everyone left, my parents and sister started yelling to the top of their lungs of all the things that I did wrong during the whole party. So many times during the times they were yelling at me, I was thinking I can't believe this is actually happening (so close to my birthday, and right after my family birthday party) and also that I don't deserve to be treated this way.

For so many years in all our previous arguments and fights, neither my parents and sister never considered their actions hurting my feelings and maybe thinking they are being too hard on me and to let loose or something as for I'm sensitive and should be treated with better respect, care, love and treatment than I've ever gotten from them.

A few particular things still stick in my mind (and who knows when they won't scar me anymore): mom stating that she wished that I never met Courtney and my dad wished that when Courtney and her family moved to New Brunswick (for a month then came back to live in Milton) that they'd stay there and not come back. Hearing that hurt me so much, like hell. My heart fucking hurts. I'm sorry for the language. But it's expressing how much my heart truly hurts.

They also see that I don't try to fix myself by being more sociable and more responsible too. For all of you here in the Happier community who are suffering and living with mental illness, particularly depression, know what it's like when we can't seem to describe to our loved ones and friends of what we are going through everyday and how we act, think, behave overall live the way we do. How hard we find ourselves battling and surviving our own minds every single day yet they don't see that becuase the stigma and discrimination prevents that from happening.

(Below is a link explaining this more in depth in which many of you who can relate, will be able to understand a little more possibly of what i'm going through in my brain and my new current situation so close to my official birthday).

There are a few other things that offended and hurt my heart so fucking much that I just can't think clearly nor have a clear memory of the whole talk/fight Sunday night. Oh yeah before I go on, during the fight, I basically said (not in my exact words, but you get the idea of what I was stating) that I'd be better off dead.

Then after the fight ended and I was finally able to go upstairs, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and then got in bed, started sleeping till mom and dad asked me how I'm able to sleep like that. With what just happened downstairs in the fight. And then mentioned about them taking it seriously when bringing up about the thought that I mentioned about basically killing myself, suicide thought.

Now they take it seriously. They admitted that they've always took it seriously but the way I've perceived all those times was the complete opposite. They think I'm crazy, lazy, sad, not responsible, and a bunch of other things too.

By the end of that, I said something that I wished I never said "I hate them" both my parents. And basically said they don't want me living in their house and threatened to drag me out of the house if I don't pack my things.

And after trying to not make them kick me out of their house at 11pm on a Sunday night, I finally got out of bed and started packing whatever I could. Then got downstairs, and too close to walking out the door (after saying goodbye to Emily, my younger sister), had another chat and eventually ended up in letting me stay in their house after making a promise that I made myself to them that I'd try harder than I've ever tried to in the past.

And now this morning, im finding it hard to try to fox things. Where else should I start after calling everyone that was at the party for me and apologize for not being sociable, but in a polite way.

What do you think about all this? Insights, thoughts, and your advice, tips on how I should fix all the things that I've mentioned here plus the things that I can't remember the top of my head on the rest of the things that were brought to light but not in a positive one either. What do you think? Give me as much as you can give me. More the better. But I always appreciate everything anyway!

I Wear My Demons On My Sleeve

Looking in the mirror, you look at yourself and you see a simple yet complex person. You more you look, the more flaws...
astigmafreezone.wordpress.com
Demons: can take more than just a tole on your life. Your whole body, social life, family, everything that you have: is taken to a turn that you can't necessarily have control of.

Being mentally strong is not as easy as working out at the gym to become stronger physically. It's not at all what society thinks it is to become mentally stronger. Especially for those who are sensitive like me.

My rules:
Yeah Monday has become worse. Parents almost literally kicked me out of their house at 11pm at night.
Monday morning didn't feel much better except for that I got to sleep in my own bed. At least for a few more days anyway.

I sent a long email to both my family doctor and career specialist, Katie (Katie was the one that called the police) and they arrived around 3pm on Monday and had a lot chat with both officers and eventfully mom came home early from work (prob someone called her about this encounter with the police invite).

My parents took away my iPhone, iPad and laptop and hid my moms laptop so I couldn't use it (which happened at lunch today). Had a chat from the police talk situation but didn't get anything positive from them. Only from the police.

I also mentioned my newly recent situation that happened both Sunday night and Monday, sent me contact info of her social worker for "Bridging the Gap" to help me find me a house placement most likely in Oakville. Hoping this is only temporary and will eventually after move into a house or apartment with my future boyfriend in the near future after the short term housing placement plan.

I'm gonna speak with both my family doctor, pediatrician (Dr. Shawn Kao) and the career specialist I report to for helping me find a job about this all today. Sooner the better that I move out the better.

No matter how many times I try to not only speak up but stand up for myself and my beliefs (particularly my mental health beliefs from my research and experiences with mental health) yet they come to think and believe my research and beliefs aren't reliable sources being the Internet a good example source.

But it's gonna continue to be a long process till they understand my beliefs but I will also remain living in their house under their rules and expectations. But still some new clarifications can be created myself tomorrow to give to them when I'm fully ready to present to them.

I will forever cope with my mental condition. We can all who live with one, live a normal and empowered life wth mental illness as Demi Lovato stated in her speech for presidential candidate Hilary Clinton.