breathe

Chapter 1: Here we go again

"Sophie... Sophie! Come here, I won't tell you again" dragging my frail legs out of bed I sat up rubbed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"I'm coming" I rolled my eyes and muttered 'for Godsake" under my breath (I would be dead if she heard me giving any type of lip) I ran down stairs and entered the kitchen.

Sitting on the door step my mum held up a lighter, "what. Is this?" She said it calmly but I know she wanted to flip, "ugh.well.it's..." I didn't know what to say , I stood there trying to think of a way to get myself out of trouble.
"Spit it out then, and tell the truth I'm not stupid ".

"Catherine wanted me to keep hold of it for her, you know her mum would kill her if she knew please don't tell her"
Of course I couldn't tell her the truth my mum would kick-off.
She stood up and walked towards me huddled.
"Do you really think I'm gonna believe that. You really are worthless, stupid little SLUT!"

She pushed my head back so I stumbled to the floor, "I hate you so much you know that, how could you have ever thought of having kids?" Smerking at me she picked up a small bag with a cristle substance in it telling me to leave.
I went back upstairs with my eyes going blury from the tears building up . "Why do I have to live like this, why can't my dad still be here.

Ever since my dad died it's been really hard for me, my mum's been taking drugs, my step dad is abusive and a rapest. But to throw that all together I get bullied at school.
I slammed my door and pusshed my wardrobe in front of it so no one can come in.
Curling myself into a ball I layed on the floor and let the tears stream out. I couldn't catch my breath and my heart started racing... So I just layed there holding my stomach shivering and slowly closing my eyes falling asleep. I can't fall asleep ball myself anymore I need to cry even if it's only two or three tears that trickle down my face.

I woke up a few hours later with a headache and feeling sick, so I ran myself a hot bath with bubbles. I played one of my favourite songs 'Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls' it reminds me of my best friend. I layed in the bath looking at the large white surface above me, then to my right at a razer... "Don't do it, come on stop" reaching towards the bladed object I took a tight grip of it and took a single blade out and began to cut ... The ones white bath turned into a murder scene.

I clenched my fists and rinsed the cherry coloured blood that was dripping off my arm.
After i dryed and clothed myself I looked into the mirror and read the word that was on my arm...

I will never be that , what am I, no one wants me. I even hate myself. I couldn't look anymore, I was making myself angry the more I looked. Bangerning my arm up I went and made myself dinner.

"Oh look who's eating again, seriously Soph I would cut down on the calories" I held my head down low and put my pizza into the freezer. "You couldn't have left it for one night could you Miles?" I put my shoes on and went for a walk. So I could have a second without anyone saying or doing something that would make me feel worthless.

The night was beautiful...
So silent,
The moon looked like a diamond sitting up there alone. The wind twerled through my hair and my breathing was calm.

But it had to be ruined! As I was walking past an ali a face that was very familiar started to walk towards me   It was my step dad "I said I wanted to be alone!" He didn't care he just looked at me for a second, to then drag me into the ali, pinning me up to the wall. "STOP! WHAT ARE YOU ...."
This was the first time he did it and it made my heart sink to my stomach. "I've wanted to do this for a long time now soph... Your mother is getting old" I didn't say anything just stared, it was like time froze. He dropped me and whispered "you Tell no one , do you understand me" leaving his hand print on my arm he walked way.

I couldnt tell anyone I was too scared...

I was in too much Shock to cry, so I just stared at the cracks running through the brick wall. I took a few good hours before

eturning home, so I could actually stand in the same building, without wanting to rip his head off.

My insides felt like they had been riped apart, and thrown away like im a piece of paper.

After I returned home I went straight up srairs and into my room. I turned on my phone to take my mind of things. I haven't been on it in a few days so the vibration from all the notifications were unreal, I thought for a second that it was going to be positive, and I'll have a moment in life that I feel happy, but why would someone like me have anything to feel ... GOOD about, I went onto my instagram to see that someone had made a video about me.

It was from a user named @Sophie_cooper_is_a_slag I was scared to open it because I know the account was all about me, but I did it anyways. I couldn't believe what was happening in front of me, I wanted to turn it off but I needed to see it all...

Someone had put up a video pretending to be me saying 'what I have done' - meaning it was all lies about me having sex and taking drugs, but I couldn't see why anyone could sit there and do this to someone. At the end the person looked at the video and said

'my name is Sophie Cooper and everyone hates me I'm a ugly whore who needs to die ... How could my parents look at me and think of having me as there daughter'

The camera then shuts off, all the comments were saying how funny it was, and to keep going and saying it was all true.

I through my phone and screamed out why over and over, covering my ears, and rocking my self back and forth. No one came up to check because they couldn't care less, it all was building up inside and I couldn't handle it anymore... I quickly made my way to the bathroom searching through the draws for matches or a lighter. I saw a candle lighter and picked it up I then found a square piece of metal, I heated it up with the flame until it was red hot. I didn't think for a second I just placed it to my skin and repeated it over and over again all over my arm and legs until it blistered.

I then turned to a razer and cut words like -- fat,whore,die,ugly rat
I did lots of other cuts, so much that it wouldn't stop bleeding for hours.

Ringing in my ears were getting louder and then everything went silent, but it all came back and the screaming and smashing of glass from my mum and Miles arguing was so loud it gave me a headache.
I went downstairs without them looking and picked up a bottle of vodka and brought it back upstairs, I sat on my bed and began to drink it ...

The taste was different I've never drank before, the burning feeling ... it made me feel so warm and it made me feel better about myself I played my music and spent the night singing and dancing ignoring everything going in around me.

No sirens, car alarms, talking nothing could ruin this moment...