breathe

Chapter 4: have a nice trip

Friendships don't last for me, I always get isolated and I push people away not meaning to. I hate the way I am, personality... Looks... Everything.

I looked at my phone. "Oh God, I'm living in hell" I held my head in my hands rubbing my eyes, not remembering much from the night before. I didn't take any pills because I took so many last night but water and food sounded like a good idea. I made bacon and sausages with one boiled egg, watching it sizzle and the little splashes of oil fly onto my arm. I began to remember what I said to Alice, "no,no,no" I pulled my hair and banged my head gently on the wall thinking how stupid I am for doing what I did.

I decided to eat my breakfast in the living room, and watched a little bit of family guy, too help me calm down. The youlk off my egg slowly dripped off my toast, the scrapeing from my falk agents my plate ringed in my ears, I teared my bacon apart demolishing it quickly so I could begin to get ready. Everything seemed so sereal, I felt like I was dreaming. I laughed off the whole off last night thinking It was all just a dream and not real.
But was I wrong?
Yes... We will see why!

Because I was late getting ready for school I missed the school bus so I had to walk. Wich I didn't really mind, because I didn't want to go in at all. But knowing I had assembly in the morning with the whole of year 9 and my year (year 10). I didn't want anyone seeing me, I brought a cigarette with me so I can go down the ally, I didn't smoke often just whenever I could or had them, so this morning was perfect. It helps me to calm down.

Looking at the floor, I stood at the beginning looking all the way down at the dark deserted brick pathway, that reminded me off the night he first touched me.
My flash backs of that and Alice, my mum... Everything went zooming so quickly around my mind, that it was making me feel light headed. I decided to light my fag, hoping it would calm my anxiety levels.

It was warm, and the air was cold, the smoke sinked into my hair, and my lungs got more damaged each puff I inhaled. You wouldn't think it, but a small thing that does so much halm can take you away from everything for just a few minutes. My breathing felt easier, the earth was so peaceful.

It only got better, I shook my head getting out of my daydream  to then realize standing in front of me was the most beautiful creation, Daniel, he was smiling at me and I couldn't help but smile back. His perfect white teeth, made me think of snow and he made me think of angels.
"Hey , what are you doing here?" I nervously asked still not used to a boy speaking to me. "I was late so I found it quicker to come this way... What about you?" He cared about me, not just saying it to be nice, he is so genuine. "I was late to so I came here to take a moment before going into school" I lied I was scared he would freak if he knew I smoke.
"Soph come on now , I saw you smoking. Watta shame ughh... You should of saved me some!" I relaxed knowing he was joking. "I didn't know you smoked" I looked puzzled thinking to myself someone who's body is so perfect and teeth are so white smoked... I mean I know not all people change because of it but he was too good. "Yeah I do, but don't worry about that,let's get to school" he held my hand and wrapped his harm around mine. I blushed, but looked away not wanting him to see me.

His hands were even perfect, so soft and warm. Everything was what I ever wished for.

As we walked closer to the school my vision got blury, and I felt nauseous. "It's okay I'm right here." I took a deep breath and got to the assembly hall, I entered the doors, following me was Daniel. My heart beat was so fast and my skin went pail... "Your okay!" He whispered, everyone stared at me whilst I found my form class. Looking behind me for only a couple seconds, I didn't realize someone had put there foot put, and I feel in front of everyone. My bag went flying across the hall, and my knees burnt across the surface. People began to huddle point and stare, "nice one Jack!" Alice said with a bitchy tone.

Daniel being the amazing guy he is, started dancing like a fool, and through his bag up in the air, letting everything fly down like paper birds. I didn't think at that moment that what he was doing was for me, I ran outside and my tears rushed out of my eyes, like a waterfall each splash hitting the bottom of the river.

Moments later Megan, Daniel and Cath followed me calling my name continuesly, until I turned. "I don't want to talk" I wiped off the tears that were on my drenched face, and sat on a bench in the canteen. "I don't care what you want were gonna be here for you" I turned and smiled at Megan. Cath replied to that "see look at that beauty of a smile" I sat down at giggled at her comment, but went straight back to crying after. They all cuddled around me whilst Daniel held my hands "what would I do without you guys..." I looked up and blew my nose, making myself look a little bit better for Daniel.

"Do you know how much embarrassment I just went through for you" he said with a smerk. "Ahah yeah thank you for that you really didn't need to" he replied with a shrug, as if to say it was nothing.We all sat there until the bell went, they wanted to make sure I was okay. So they all said funny things to make me happy, and feeling okay for the rest of the day.

We all went our separate ways, and I had to bump into Alice, and the others on my way to drama... "Did you Hve a nice trip?" They all laughed viscously and nudged me really hard as they walked off. I left it for now, because I didn't want to ruin my day, and went into drama. I was in the class with one of my friends Sarah, we're really close but Cath doesn't like her, so we don't get to hang out much.

We entered the class, and put our bags and coats under the blocks, we all sat in a circle and began to talk about what we were going to be doing during the lesson. We got put into groups of five I was with - Jason, Shannon,Sarah and Michael.
We had to act out a scene from little red riding hood, I played little red.

As we rehearsed, miss kept nagging at me to do things differently, and to add more energy into it. I tried but I couldn't do it so she pulled me aside and said "Sophie, what are you doing taking this GCSE? You canteen do any of it and at this rate your gonna be marked as a U!!' I felt like I should dig a hole and get burried alive, I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. "Why canteen you be more like Sarah she does everything to perfection" it hurt me allot to know I wasn't doing anything well, but to compare me to my friend made me want to be shot.
I didn't reply and decided to go to the toilet for the rest of the day.

I sat in the last toilet and took out a blade cutting deeply into my skin, it was easier than cutting paper. I held my breath, and my stomach, worrying if anyone would came in. The blood made a pile on the floor and my flesh was shown, and it hurt more than anything but I deserve to feel pain.

At lunch Catherine and Megan came into the bathroom looking for me they waited for everyone to leave , because they know I wouldn't want anyone knowing I was there. They picked open the door and was shocked to see my blood on my shirt, and the state I was in. They picked me up and sat me on the toilet, "what have you done?" Megan shook me in fear. Whilst Catherine was cleaning up the blood on the floor, she found a box of tablets on the floor all empty... "What are these?" Not having a response, I began to throw up violently. "Oh my God  Soph..." I fell off the seat and began to shake.

My eyes rolled to the back off my head and my body was uncontrollable, "noo!" Megan and Catherine both didn't know what to say or do. Another girl walked in, and they both ordered her to get a teacher.

The ambulance came moments later and took me to A&E , the last thing I remember was people asking me what I took but I wasn't able to respond... My vision then went away and I couldn't hear a sound. Not knowing what was going to happen next I went into a comer!