oneirataxia || lrh au

day 195

                                    lately i've been tiptoeing on a tight rope with her

ever since the party,
                                  she's been distant

sometimes i'd call out her name repeatedly
and when she finally looks at me she's somewhere far off

it's like we're back to square one

she's bothered
                  and i can't tug at her to know what it is in fear of completely losing her

i can't find her;

the girl that sits on the other swing is just a shell of who she was
she keeps on pushing me away 
she thinks i can't help
she doesn't trust me enough 
and my heart aches when i think about it
now the air feels heavy, suffocating me with my toxic thoughts

days passed
and one day she didn't show up in the playground

worried sick i looked for her in every place in town
she didn't have a phone 
and i didn't know where she'd likely go

i found her by the cliff near the woods just as the moon showed up with the stars
she was hugging her knees to her chest, eyes closed unaware of my presence

if i didn't know better,
i would've said that she wasa in peace

cautiously i sat beside her
i told her that we should go since it was getting dark
she spared me a look staring straight ahead, asking how i found her seconds after
i told her how i looked everywhere for her
she chose silence, closing her eyes

my frustrations piled atop one another, eating at me

"tell me what's wrong and don't tell me you're okay because you clearly are not . please, whatever it is don't hide it from me. i want to help you. it hurts to see you like this stacy"

i blurted all of that out, not being able to help myself anymore

i didn't notice that she was crying, silent tears pooling out of her eyes

"i don't want to pull through with this anymore. it hurts so much. m-my head. it's always loud in there. i cant control my thoughts"

she exclaimed between sobs and i pull her to my chest

"i can never be good enough and i wish my demons would stop taunting me about it"

"shhhhhh" she's trembling against my hold

"you don't understand luke. i just want it all to stop"

"sometimes i think i was destined for this. like this was why i was put here on earth"

i was at a loss for words. 
a part of me wanted to go back to when i was unaware of how she's badly damaged,
a part of me hated the universe more than i did before because it's never fair to anyone.
a part of me was ready to make a sacrifice to some god that might be watching over us to take away her pain.

the stars glimmered across the blue black canvas of the sky perfectly

what an irony
the least they can do is fall down one by one 
do they not know how to feel? how humans feel? how to sympathize?

she rested in my arms like she was meant to be there

i think she's my cleansing from all these nightmares reality made me witness
and i feel my soul and her soul were made of the same dust 
and no one knows when we'll be gone and when the same dust composing our souls will return to where it came from 
and maybe i need her more than she needs me but i love her 
i love her despite her brokenness- i have loved the mess that she is
it's the kind of love that will cause an age long war once separated, entangled from

i kiss the top of her head, sighing

"i love you stacy and i'll be with you. i won't leave you, i promise. and when it's all over, and you can't identify where it begins and where it ends, i will follow you into the dark"

iM SORRY IF I DIED FOR A SECOND IT'S JUST THAT SCHOOL HAS STARTED AND IVE BEEN SUPER TIRED SO THIS SORTA GOT OUT OF MY MIND BUT HEY I WROTE THIS SWEET LIL SHIT TO MAKE UP AYE