3 am hits me like an abusive boyfriend
When you are alone with yourself when the outside seems quiet
It burns like the hot oil you used to use when you would cook
But it's been a long time since that happened
You barely eat because it leaves you skinny
He likes you skinny
It makes it easier for him to be the big spoon
It's like I disappear inside of him
It makes it easier for him to over power me
I forgot to say he isn't human
He is the deadly toxic mix of depression and anxiety
He makes sure to weaken me by taking away sleep from me
How you may ask does he do that? Well think about trying to sleep when you close your eyes, the nightmares begin.
I just want to scream out in pain
Because again the dream of worst fears
Trigger
The recurring ones where I am raped by a man and beaten
There are reasons I am the broken thing I am
I am scared that no one will ever be able to tell if I was truly abused or not
I look abused to begin with
I am Asexual, I don't really like being touched
I've been screamed at for days
Because I refuse to ever have sex
They say it's human nature
Then what even am I
When I was told no one could ever love me for who I am
A world around me started to break in larger pieces
I still hear the words screamed at me in my sleep
The first time I ever had feeling for a girl
I opened my soul to the hate of our society
My aunt told me no boy will ever love me because my best friend is gay
My parents told me
How Daniel touched me was just normal teenage boy stuff
Til it happens to you, you won't understand how I feel
People want to touch me when I start to shake
Usually they make it worse
People think that I must be like everyone else and like being touched
Dark circles from anxious nights
Dangerous habits and thoughts
Slipping back in my mind
How much longer do I have to do this
I act like I am good for a while
I'll talk more, laugh more, eat and sleep normally
But then something clicks
Like a switch turns off somewhere
And all I am left with is the darkness of my mind
Each time it seems like I sink
Deeper and deeper
I am scared
One day I won't make it back
From the shadows of a world I wish I didn't know
I keep gasping for air
Screaming for help
But help doesn't exist in this world anymore
You think people would start to respect your wishes
Like all your triggers
Which are like pills that are slowly killing you
But everyone just looks at me
With confused faces or laugher
Wondering what I am even struggling over
When they are doing just fine
And what makes me feel crazy
What the hell is wrong with me?
