White Crayon ||Danisnotonfire x Reader||

|| Chapter 24 ||

*Your POV*

"It has been said 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy.

How do we end up here? How do we end up laying in bed and wanting to fall asleep before we fall apart?

I have so many wounds and I feel like they are slowly getting uncovered again. The reminder of death and betrayal is impossible for me to avoid. I've lost so many people.

My mom. My loving mom who cared for me as a child and helped me through every bad thing that happened in my life, even if she was hurting herself. She was repayed with the curse of cancer.

My father. He was my best friend and kept me sane. He worked his ass off to keep me alive and well. He made me smile more than anyone else has. He would've given me the world if he could, but the world owned him and gave him a tragic death.

My brother. He's doing better now, but he's been given so much pain in his life. My baby brother will marry a girl and have a child that his parents will never live to see. And to this day he still blames himself for Julia.

And now me. I have to watch everything around me unravel slowly. Like I have stated before, 'it's hard to be happy when there's nothing happy around you.' This is what I meant by that.

Happiness is something used to disguise the emptiness that sits within us all. And when it's gone we resort to finding something to fill that empty void. Some resort to drugs, some go for a run, but I took my emptiness and used it on Dan.

I blamed him for what we did. I told him it was a mistake and I would never see him like that, and that it was his fault for letting us have sex.

You'd have to be there to feel the guilt I feel now. I watched as the light drained from his eyes, as I spat fowl things into his face. Once the light drained he began to do just the same.

Slut and whore were just two of the things he had called me. He told me I didn't deserve what I had and that he understood why people never liked me.

I opened up to him and he threw it all back in my face. But that's not the problem. The problem is he had every right to.

I left him that night in tears, feeling as if I was worthless.

And that's why now is sit here on the balcony of my hotel in America, on a cold Halloween night. A cigarette lays softly between my middle and pointer finger, as I inhale and blow out the same smoke that caused my mother to die.

The cold fall air nips at my skin, as the sound of cars below me is muffled by my thoughts. I stare down and watch teenagers in slutty costumes roam the streets, looking for their next high. My brother sits in the room across from mine, feeling as if there is no hope.

I said it before and I'll say it again, how do we end up here?

I flick the bud of my cigarette and watch as it slowly falls into the world below, thinking to myself as if I should jump. What a thought huh? One I would've killed to have not so long ago, but one I decide against now.

I take in the breeze once more, before making my way back inside. I strip into my bra and panties, exchanging my smoke scented clothes for a pair of shorts and a tank-top.

I then walk into the bathroom and brush my teeth, staring into the mirror with someone unrecognizable staring back. I spit into the sink and rinse my mouth, wiping it off with one of the delicate hotel towels.