small girl
not even 3 feet from the ground
white-blonde hair
falling not even past her jawline
wearing a small white dress with little red cherries all over
her earliest memory was hanging onto her father's leg and begging him not to leave
four years later
when mom's new boyfriend pulled her hair for the first time
that is when her fear of men became prominent
her hair had faded to a dirty blonde
along with everything else
four years later
she is 12 years old
rummaging through the kitchen drawer trying to find a knife sharp enough
sharp enough to cut through flesh and tendons and muscles and bones
a year later and she is showing her best friend her arms
covered in her terrible artwork
deep and painful and everything she needed
or so she thought
a year after and she is now brunette
the summer of 7th grade was staying up till 7am with blood dripping from both wrists
thinking about how many calories she's allowing herself for the day
she could only feel something when she was hurting herself
two years later
she is a freshman in high school
shoving her fingers down her throat became a chore until it became an addiction
and then it became a necessity
it's a cold December night
and she's at a party
just shy of 15 years old
the night her world crumbled and suffocated her
the night he wouldn't listen to her
as much as she says she's over it
she'll never shake the feeling of his hands on her
her best friend hates herself everyday for being asleep next to her
a year later
she won't even let the doctor touch her without feeling the knot in her stomach tighten
and tears flow like waterfalls
they still don't know
will they ever know?
she got her belly button pierced for her 16th birthday
because she had been clean for two years and needed to feel pain somehow
eating 500 calories a day wasn't giving her the fix she craved
nobody could touch her without her jumping
nobody could correct her without her crying
because anything less than perfection was not good enough
she grew up on neglect and popsicles and empty love
her adolescence was founded on blood and carnage
and the saddest
most awful truth is
she'll never be the little girl in the cherry print dress again.
