The Realtor (BWWM)

Chapter 34

"I understand that you're hurting but he's hurting too,"

"Think about him also,"

"Keep thinking selfish and you're gonna lose him, just like you lost you baby,"

Repeating again and again in my head as I waited. Yes, I do care about Andrews feelings but I want to mourn alone. I want to swim in my own pitifulness.

"Ms. Summers?" My name was called and then I got up and met my therapist.

"Hi," I shyly said. I don't know how this is going to go but I need to speak to someone without hearing "I lost a child too". Call me selfish, but this isn't the first time I've lost a child but it hits like it is.

"Ms. Summers?" She called again.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I drifted off. Um, you can call me Camille," I faked a smile at her.

"Melissa Brown," she nodded with a gorgeous smile on her face. "How are you feeling,"

"On the outside, I look and feel a mess, but on the inside I feel like a horrible person," my eyes began watering. She nodded and wrote some of the stuff down.

"Miscarriage is something that happened to you, not something you did. We always want to believe we are in control, even if it means punishing ourselves," Ms. Brown.

"We?" I asked and she smiled and nodded.

"Yes. I've experienced a few miscarriages," she played with her ring. "It was hard but we got through it, my husband and I have four children now," she smiled then leaned forward.

"The truth is, there's very little about pregnancy loss that women are in control of." Biology takes over and in a way, you're along for the ride. I suggest that you step back from the situation and asking yourself, "Would I want my best friend to blame herself? No. Treat yourself with the same kindness as those you love."

I though about what she said and I nodded. "You're right, but I already have a child from a previous relationship and my fiancé really wants children with me. He's very supportive and loving but I push him away because my body can't do one of the things God put women here to do. I feel like a failure," I confessed and she wrote some more.

"You fiancé may react to the loss in a surprising way, and you may not like it. Don't expect your partner to deal with a miscarriage the same way as you," Mrs. Brown warned. "There isn't one way to deal with grief, and punishing him for his won't do any good. If it bothers you that your man doesn't cry and act depressed, remind yourself that it doesn't mean he's uncaring. He's probably just dealing with things in a different way," she spoke and I really took in what she said.

"Thank you, I've been too stubborn to accept everything you just said, prior to meeting with you," I smiled at her and she nodded.

"Just keep praying and call your fiancé. Talk to him and apologize for neglecting his feelings," she stood up and I followed her.

"Thank you," I said to her and she walked me to the door. "Have a good day,"

"You too, and remember what we spoke about!" She laughed.

*

*

"Hello?" His voice was low.

"Hi," I answered back. I'm nervous to speak to my own fiancé, my pathetic ass.

"How are you?" He asked and sniffed.

"No, how are you?" I asked. "I'm so sorry! I've been so selfish about your feelings and I didn't intend for it to be like that. I talked to a therapist today and she allowed me to understand from your point of view,"

"That's good baby, I accept your apology. It's okay, I understand how you felt and what happened doesn't make me feel any different towards you. I still love you, Camille," he said to me and I started crying.

"I love you too Andrew," I cried. "I'm sorry, I tried so hard to not over work myself and... and I couldn't,"

"Baby....." he trailed off. "I don't blame you,"

"No baby, but I blame me!" By this point, I'm bawling my eyes out. "But therapy is really helping, it's only been one day,"

"Camille, stop putting all that pressure onto yourself," he sighed. He's been stressed and he's been crying, I can just tell.

"How're you holding up? How do you feel about this?" I asked him.

"I think about what our baby could've been and how he or she would've acted, who it'd look like," I can hear the smile in his voice. "I try to think positively. This is a test from God, to prove that we're strong because he gave us strength,"

"You sound like my mother," I smiled.

"She gave me those encouraging words," he said. "I just don't want you to blame yourself. You couldn't have prevented it from happening, it's not like you were drinking and doing cocaine,"

"You're right," I simply said to him. "I want to try again," I want to get pregnant again and this time I promise to put my career on the hold, to ensure that I carry the baby full term.

"Are you sure? Camille it's too soon," Andrew pressed but I'm going to win this one.

"Andrew, I want to try again. I'll be in bed rest from the very beginning if I have to," I told him and he groaned. I know he's playing with his hair as he's thinking about what to say.

"Alright baby, whatever you want," he said after a long pause. My face shined with a bright smile.

"You're amazing babes," I laughed. "Soooo.... I'll be seeing you in California soon, to start our practice because-"

"Practice makes perfect," he laughed. "I swear you're so spoiled,"

"It's your fault, you allowed it," I smiled even though he can't see me. The smile on my face is what you'd see on a high school girl who's in love for the first time.

"It is my fault and I spoil Calayah, now look! She's such a diva!" He chuckled and I rolled my eyes.

"You definitely spoil her. Anything she wants, she just has to snap her fingers," I teased and he made a noise.

"Whatever!" He sighed. "Calayah and Xavier are getting along so good!"

"That's good! Now what about custody battles and what not?" I asked. He began explaining all that's happening and I grew frustrated just like he is. "It's not like Ashly has custody of him, and by the way his grandma is speaking, she sounds like she trusts you,"

"Yeah I know but it's hard, it's going to happen though, before school starts," he sounded confident.

"I believe in you baby, you're gonna get that custody," I said to him and he was quiet.

"Baby, my mom is calling me. I hope you don't mind, I talked to her about what happened," he said and my heart dropped. I didn't want anyone to know, not even my own parents know about it.

"It's okay," I whispered but I really feel embarrassed. I don't know why, it happens to a lot of women but for some reason I feel insecure about my miscarriage.

"Babe I love you," Andrew said.

"I love you too," we hung up and I rubbed my temples as a headache approached.

"God," I closed my eyes. "I understand it's apart of your plan," tears began rolling down my face. "I really want another baby, maybe even a soccer team," I laughed then sniffled.

I covered my body with my comforter and laid my head down on my pillow. It's so lonely here, I'm all alone and I miss my daughter but her whole life is out there and I'd hate to uproot her without her actually wanting to go.