Pause. Rewind. Play. (A Zayn Malik Fanfic)

Chapter 38: Five

The funeral was held in the upcoming weeks after New Year. Her body was going to be brought back to Bradford and buried here. The whole town knows what happened and Ari's parents have been getting a lot of visits from friends and neighbors about their loss. However no one thought to check up on Ari, except me.
I knew the signs the second I saw her face. The light in her burned out. I don't see it anymore, I don't see the girl I fell in love with inside her anymore. She's just a hallow shell of a beautiful girl that's just lost and confused. I stayed with her the whole time, taking an important absence from work to tend to her. She needed me more, even though she didn't show it.

First few weeks weren't so bad. Okay, no, they were bad. She stayed with me in my flat, but constantly kept her distance. Ari barely ate, barely talked, barely did anything. She cried, a lot. She always cried when she thought I couldn't hear her or know I was home. God, did I hear her. I heard her sob so much in the first few weeks. She didn't want my comfort though. She's been staying in the guest bedroom and she shuts down if I even try talking to her. It hurt to have. Her back to me, but not want me around. I know her feelings are true, but it doesn't hurt less to have her not need me.

Then came the screaming. She fought with me, literally and physically. At first, I thought her quiet demeanor was a positive sign, but that was far from it. I dropped a bowl that shattered all over the floor and she screamed at me. My neighbors came and checked to see nothing was wrong, all while she was still fuming in the background. Her mom called and Ari refused to talk to her and then yelling at me again. I took every hit and blow she gave me like a man. I can see the look in her eye as Ari shouts rude and crude remarks at me, purposely trying to get me to snap. She's just confused and frustrated, I tell myself as she once again tries to get me to yell at her. I keep my cool the whole time. Even if I want to give her what she wants and meet her every demands, I need to be the strong one. Then the nightmares started.

It happened once a few days after New Year in which I didn't think much of it, but then they kept coming. Almost every night I'd have to jump out of bed and run to the guest bedroom because of her screaming. I'd shake her awake and then hold her as she cries and pleas for Morgan back. She'd beg anyone and everyone; God, me, her mom, anyone just to bring Morgan back. I've caught her trying to call the hospital to ask if there was any other way to save her. Her dad called constantly, trying to figure out what was wrong with her. Nothing was wrong, she just needed this. In her own twisted way, she needed all of this to feel better. I kept telling myself this as the eighth night in the row went by I had to save her from her nightmares.

Out of nowhere in mid-February, everything stopped. I nearly dropped my glass when I came downstairs and she was calmly eating breakfast as if she did it every day without me forcing her. She smiled a little, but I could see right through it. At the time, I didn't think much more of it because I hadn't seen an ounce of life in her from the past month. The nightmares still wouldn't stop, but instead of waking up crying, she'd wipe her eyes and go straight back to bed. I didn't think until she sat at the breakfast table with silent tears down her face at the end of March, staring blankly at the wall.

Then I had to do what I never wanted to do; I took her to a clinic for help. She started protesting only when she saw where we were going. Ari put up a massive fight about going inside. It took so much convincing (but mostly carrying her over my shoulder) to get her to go inside. Getting her to talk to the doctor was worse. Being forced to wait outside in the waiting room so the doctor could examine her alone made it the most torturous minutes of my life. It felt like eternity I wasn't with her, comforting her. When the doctor finally came back to get me I nearly tackled him down for answers The results from the doctor nearly broke my heart. She was diagnosed with depression.

I tried to do everything to anything to keep her from falling through. I tried so hard to keep her from slipping down into the darkness that she's encased in. How had I not seen this coming? Why didn't I take her to the doctor a while ago? I could've stopped this. Even if the doctor says it isn't my fault I know deep down it is. He tells me that it wasn't a serious case, but he still recommended she get pills and also see a regular therapist. He gave me the prescription for her and gave me a list of recommended therapists around London and Bradford.