Trying Too Hard [Bunny Love Story]

►Chapter Twenty-One◄

A lot of times because of the strict separation between genders from the day we're born, people like to think that whenever a guy has started to cry that they've officially broken down. They think that men can't just be sad and let a few tears fall down.. Of course, I wasn't just shedding a couple of tears, I was full on bawling. The point is that to society a girl is allowed to cry and people would just think that she was sad, while if a boy did such a thing then he's just straight up lost his control and is having a nervous breakdown. Suffering from a break down and crying are two completely different things.

For me, I was overwhelmed with emotions and as a result the feelings turned into waterworks. The moment I let myself display my emotions in that form, Kenny went to put a hand on my shoulder. I flinched away from him in fear that I'd just get too attached and he'd emotionally abuse me again. That very thought had made me cry harder, and by that point I was beginning to get a headache and I couldn't see or breath correctly. Tired of even standing, I let myself slide to the floor and sit there clinging to myself for support.

All I have no is myself, because I'm the only person in this world that I can trust.

"Butters, I promise you that Cartman doesn't know anything about you or your ties with all of this graffiti," he told me. I could tell that he had crouched down in front of me, but hadn't made another move to touch me. "I made sure that none of the others know about you."

"B-b-but he-he said.." I couldn't continue my sentence. I didn't want to. I just wanted to sit there and cry until I dehydrated and died. I lifted my gaze and wiped the tears from my eyes, trying to get a better look at the expression on his face.

Kenny looked worried and ticked off at the same time, which was an incredibly odd look in my opinion. "He was bluffing. There's no way in hell I'd ever have let him figure it out. What'd he do to you exactly?"

I kept having to wipe at my eyes, because every time my vision cleared up it was disrupted a few seconds later. "I.. I stole.." I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down, because I couldn't talk in this condition very well.

"Shh, Butters, it's okay. You don't have to tell me right now. Is it alright if I hug you?" he asked, smiling softly at me. I let my hands release the sleeves of my own jacket, but once I realized what I was doing I tightened my grip again and shook my head. Just when I thought I was beginning to calm down, a whole new wave of tears started to flow out. "Are you afraid of me?" he asked quietly.

"You kissed me without having feelings for me!" I snapped, my head throbbing in pain and small hiccup noises leaving my mouth. I probably looked and sounded disgusting but what did it matter? He'd never like me as a friend anyway. "Y-you don't just do that, Ken.."

It fell silent between us, the only thing breaking through the awkwardness being the sound of the wind blowing and my short gasps for breath. My shoulders were shaking and my tears had stopped by now, but I was still making those pathetic noises that people do when they're still crying and I wasn't sure why. I didn't know that a heart could break like this.. I was so used to watching Kenny from afar and knowing I didn't have a chance with him that the moment I got a sliver of hope I subconsciously held onto it, holding onto that one tiny bit of light so tightly that I didn't even realize it was a one percent chance of happening.. So when he kissed me and called me his boyfriend.. Well gee, I really thought he meant it! And now.. and now that I know he really just doesn't, my heart hurts. My chest was in physical pain and I didn't even know that was possible.

"Butters, from the very beginning, you've just been trying too hard to grab my attention." I said nothing, and I didn't even have the energy to push him away when he crawled over to me and pulled me into his arms. In that moment, he was my support. He was the only thing keeping me from falling onto my side and just laying there in a puddle of my own depression. "I noticed you the first time you said that I was smart. When I was confronting Wendy and you were trying to get into your classroom.. Yeah I turned back to her, but I was still thinking about you." Even after hearing this, I didn't say anything. Some time during his speech I had calmed down and was no longer crying or making pathetic sounds.. I just rested limply between his arms and stared into the distance, my headache bothering the heck out of me. I remember that day. He had stayed quiet, not continuing his conversation with Wendy, until I was sitting right down at my desk. He was watching me the whole time.. I smiled very faintly at the memory.

"I stole the answer sheets for me and Cartman's test on this Friday.." I told him. Though I started to choke up again I tried to swallow the lump forming in my throat so that I could keep on talking. The task was surprisingly hard to achieve. "He told me that he knew my secret, and that he'd go and tell everyone if I didn't do it.. But-but then I went and got caught."

Kenny positioned me so that he could kiss my forehead, and I just stared at him. "Don't worry, I'll take care of it. Everything's going to be okay. Trust me."

I couldn't stop myself from smiling even if I tried. "I know! Ken's real smart after all!" He chuckled and ran a hand through my hair. I got closer to him and rubbed my nose against his, because I didn't want to full on kiss him in that moment. I just wanted to be there with him, that was all. "Kenny.. I love you."

"I know, and when all of this is cleared up we can go on a real date.. Not just a movie we've both already seen at your house."

Pulling away from him, I watched carefully as he smiled at me. It seemed genuine, and there was no way I going to decline an offer to go on a date with him anyway! "Y-you mean that?" I asked, just to make sure.

"Of course. I like you, and I'm more than willing to give us a try.. But I can't guarantee I won't check other guys out," he winked.

I laughed softly, ignoring the throbbing of my head and instead wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him - on the lips this time. "I love you," I mumbled to him. I could feel him smiling into the kiss.

"I like you," he responded. I was fine with that, because love is a strong word and he wasn't trying to lead me on like that.. I respected that, and it made me love him even more.

I'm not expecting an easy ride between the two of us. That's not even something that I want. I want to be able to cry in front of him, to let all of my emotions out and find comfort in his arms every time something bad happens. I want us to live happily, and to be able to stick together no matter what situation takes hold of us. Even if our relationship doesn't work out, I want to still be his friend and to be able to see him laughing, even if it's with someone else.. Because I don't care who he's enjoying himself with, as long as he's happy and I can witness it then that's all I need..

Because I don't think I could ever fall out of love with Kenny McCormick.