hullo hullo! I'm on tour across east coast America and I'd like to make a little series lol. Anyway. Technically taken on day two of tour, but as we're still in Louisville and I feel the way I did yesterday, imma count it as the first day.
I woke up at 7.20am and felt blissfully ignorant for a second. Then my head opened up and in poured dread, disgust and worry. Travelling seems to trigger my brain into obsessive thinking mode. Mix that up with derealisation and a little anxiety, and I turn into a walking talking black hole.
Objectively I know I won't feel like this for the whole tour. I know I'll sink in nicely to the tour routine and start to appreciate being with friends and travelling and playing and meeting people. We'll drive through thunderstorms and I'll cry because it's so beautiful, we'll stop off for snacks and I'll buy something that spells cheese with a z, we'll pose for a picture and I'll wish I could freeze time the way a picture does and stay stuck to these people and in this time forever.
But currently, I feel like just giving up and spending most of my time trying to sleep to escape the unavoidable sinking further into the black pit of my head. I feel empty, cold, and mostly really fucking disappointed.
But tessa told me to try and not be so hard on myself. To work on allowing to feel how I feel.
So here's me, up before anyone else, typing out a long post, and feeling crap lol.
Here's to that.
