Thoughts of a Lithromantic

12

So....... I cried over rice at lunch today.

Well, and other things like the fact my mom (abby) wouldn't give me an enchilada. But i mean that is not something to cry over I was just very emotional today.

ANYWAYSSSSSS My grandparents are here for grandparents day and Halloween even though it passed already btw. ( I handed out candy and got called pretty by some boy, and I told a girl this pun: Are you a bagle? Cuz you are bae-goals! ya we are friends now XD)

But oml I don't know how I am going to live with my grandparents here they care too much and annoy the last fucks i could give out of me . Like yesterday Zane hit me with a chair and it hurt but I told my parents because it was funny. And my grandma literally goes OMG WHAT EVEN OMG OMG! While I am here like SHUT UP OLD WOMEN even though I all I said was stop caring so much when I couldn't even waste a drop of water for anyone. stop.caring.I.donot.care.you.are.annoying.

And for some reason she thinks she is like gonna be some sort of "savior" in my life like those crappy unrealistic but good books. SO SHE KEEPS CARING LIKE I HATE IT SO FUCKING MUCH I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF IF I WANTED SOME CARE I WOULD COME TO YOU GOD DAMMIT.

As we can tell I don't ever have good relationships with my family.

But thank you for everyone who has cared for me, the only person I have let care for me is Abby. She is a very kind caring person, so it is kinda hard to resist. But Abby sorry sometimes I hate it, like mom I am a grown man GOD.XD

I don't know what it is I just don't want or like people to care, I just feel it is a waste of time and breath for them to care (about me). I don't want people to  "be there" or "be the light that breaks me free from the dark". Maybe I like where I am? Have you considered that? Maybe I don't need you. (Sorry If I just crushed someone but please stop I can take care of myself I wanted you as a friend not a caretaker.)

Is that wierd I had to go on that rant? But almost every one I meet once I tell them I don't want to be cared for or that I am a grown man , they suddenly try to become that "light". Like no I am my own fucking "care light" thank you very much.

I also realized today I don't need friends to make me smile , like they are awesome to have, but  I honestly like being alone.

I probably sound crazy but I just got so overwhelmed by people today I started crying, I didn't wanna tell anyone that was why but it is. Like this girl Emma that I am "dating" kept annoying me while I was pushing the trashcan for clean up time during lunch. That I literally clammed up and panicked and snapped at both of them. 

I just wanted to be alone then during history I put my head down and I started to cry internally but I felt like my head was flooded with pain and agony. 

I wanted to get away from everything and everyone. I wanted them all gone, then i looked across the room and saw it was raining, it was pretty. anyways 

You know the tree by the window ya it looked really cool today and it helped me calm down then fucking Dillion put his head in the way and started making stupid faces. 

I honestly don't know what has been up with me today, I tried to avoid humans. I am a pretty social person by the way. I literally almost cried because Dillion's phone went off and he poked me and tried to talk to me since I normally would laugh if that happened I mean the whole table buzzed. 

But I smiled and laughed and then continued to ignore him, which is weird since he is one of my favorite people in the world. (If you are in my Instagram Bio You are a favorite).

I have also become aware that I can be a major asshole especially when I am not calm at all. I normally am calm though, more so than last year, but I have just been thinking alot. But in general I am an asshole to everyone (yes I feel bad , sorry) and only the people who I am "normal" for or who can tolerate me till i become normal are my friends.

Yes I purposly act like a asshole if idk you, I don't need more people in my life, I love the people I have . But once you get to know me I can still be a asshole. Most of the time I am a sweet I swear though (actually idk ask abby she knows me best.)

So anyway bout to go to Piano aka my life and Dillion stuck a gun pen up his nose today and asked if he should shoot I called him stupid so he shot himself in the neck and started tearing up, yes I noticed idiot don't fucking hide it I never stop looking at those teary eyes . OKAY BAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII