Letters For Tessie

Letter 9

Dear Tessie,

It’s the 25th of December, and if by chance you receive this letter late, I’m greeting you a Merry Christmas. How are your holidays so far? If you look at my previous letter, I might have left the impression that I was going to have an enjoyable holiday. I did, well, I wish I did.

School was out, so I woke up a little bit around 9 in the morning. Normally, the first thing I would hear was birds chirping outside or the wind blowing down my window, instead, I hear a loud plate shattering. I figured they were having another argument about something, maybe the same thing from before or something so trivial and new.

I tried didn’t bother with it, again, it was just the start of a new day for me. I don’t want to spoil it over their useless fighting. But, I knew deep inside, that argument I was hearing downstairs, fuels up my negative emotions.

You know that I don’t have the best control over my emotions Tessie especially with anger. Anger is the ever changing emotion I have. It’s like taking evolution each time I build it up and eventually if I let it all out, I’m left with the feeling of emptiness inside. I hate myself for getting angry, rather, I’m angry at myself for getting angry.

I had no plans for today; I planned on staying inside my room, surf the net or play some games just to pass up time but I changed my mind halfway, soon making my way towards the shower and dressing up to go outside.

“Tyler, where are you going?” my dad caught me as I was wearing my shoes.

“I’ll be going out for a while with some friends.”

“Hey, it’s the 25th today, and you made plans?” he didn’t sound convinced about my alibi, as I was the guy who would never make plans on a Christmas day.

“Well this was something decided abruptly, and I already said ‘yes’ so…”

My dad sighs angrily, looking at me, “Be home before 8pm.” He storms back to the kitchen.

I was thankful that was over, since, I was holding myself back as well. I’m the guy who holds back as much as I can but when I’m too much full, I just burst it all out into one disastrous rampage of anger. As I walk out of my house to the bus stop, I tried calming myself down. I can feel my chest churning up, as if it would burst inside out if I don’t let my anger out.

I have bad anger issues Tessie, one that has developed over the years. You should know about it right? Since you’re the only friend whom I had by my side even with my temper. I get agitated with sometimes the most little of things: being bothered when I am doing something, being teased in a bad way, sometimes even a slight change of tone when talking to me sets me off.

As I took the bus with no place in mind, I receive a text message coming from Wendy. Just seeing that the text message came from her was starting to soothe already.

[Hey, you’re not online yet?]

[I’m out of the house for a while.]

[Really? Where are you headed?]

[Nowhere, I guess. I just wanna get out of the house for a while.]

[Did something happen?]

As much as I want to tell her my problems, Wendy doesn’t deserve to hear my ranting, nor does everyone for that matter.

[Nothing, everything’s fine. I just want to change my pace and get out once in a while.] Essentially, people lie almost every day, just like breathing. We lie to our family, we lie to our friends, we lie to our colleagues and strangers but we also lie to ourselves. With me replying like this to Wendy, I’ve told two lies: one for her and another for myself.

[I see. Take care on wherever you’re planning on going.]

I decide to hit the mall and go watch a movie. I don’t know if there will be any shows good that’s currently on screen now as this was an out-of-the-blue excursion. I soon make my way to the 4th floor, using the escalator to get there quickly. Looking at the options I have, I decide to go for a romance genre movie as most of the shows didn’t have an interesting synopsis in my opinion but for some reason, the romance genre pulls me in. It must be because I’m still a hopeless romantic deep down.

Watching the movie, I notice that some of the movie scenes with the main character had some resemblance to my own life:  full of problems with regards to your own family while dealing with the other problems society has to give you. I wonder how these directors capture the moment of the scene that makes it all heartfelt. It must be the actors too who display the necessary skill and talent to convey such emotions through the viewers.

I have been watching many romance themed shows, whether it was animated or acted by real people. And from what I’ve learned from them is that after all of the problems and troubles, it’s always love that solves everything. But it isn’t necessary that its family love, it can be a couples’ love for each other, your love for your friends; it was any form of love and looking at my life now, I have two loves that I hold in my heart now: my love for my friends and my love for Wendy.

I soon decide to go home after the movie, seeing that there was nothing left for me to do here. As I got home, my dad notices me but doesn’t stand to greet me. He was in the living room at the moment, while I didn’t see my grandmother there, I figured she was in her room. I went to my room, lying myself to sleep.

The past few days have been uneventful, I go on with my normal routine of shutting myself in my room, waiting for the days to just pass by. We went to relatives’ houses from time to time during the holidays, though, I didn’t like the idea that my dad was always bringing Cecielle along with us. They aren’t married yet she’s already coming along to meet my family’s closest relatives. It bothered me, just a little bit.

As we visit them, gifts were given and received. I got a few gifts coming from my aunts and uncles, from my cousins and grandparents. I wasn’t in particularly happy to receive them, but I’m not sad about it either. I guess this is the effect of me not being in the mood for the holidays, it kinda makes me a buzzkill.

A little while later, my phone starts ringing. It was from Wendy.

[What is this, Tyler?]

[What do you mean?]

[I’m looking at a… blue bag. My mom said it was delivered.]

[Oh, well you should open it.]

[Um… okay.]

She didn’t reply for a while. 5 minutes after, my phone starts ringing again.

[Oh my, a plushie!]

[It’s a neck pillow actually.]

[I know, but why such a gift?]

[Well, I want to be at least useful other than it being fluffy and cute.]

[Thanks, Tyler. It made me happy.]

[Merry Christmas, Wendy.]

[Merry Christmas.]

I thought being greeted by Wendy was the best gift I could receive. But, she had another one in stored for me: a gift I wasn’t sure if I was ready to take.

[Um, Tyler, could we stop texting for a while?]

[Huh? Why?]

[It’s only for a week, I promise.]

[Could you explain why?]

[Well… I got in trouble with my dad.]

[How come? Did something happen?]

[My mom told my dad about the gift I receive and he wasn’t too happy about it. I kinda gave you, a complete stranger, our address. (Those are their words.) So… please, only for a week. Only until things cool down.]

I felt guilty for getting Wendy in trouble. And just like that, that was our last conversation, well it was only for a week. A week without Wendy, a week wherein it might be filled with troubles and worries. Do you think I’ll last that long with her, Tessie? I’ve become so dependent to her presence. She’s the only one keeping me to hold on to hope.

Is this what it means to be blind with love?

Love, Tyler