Letters For Tessie

Letter 10

Dear Tessie,

It’s been a while since I wrote my last letter. First of all, Happy New Year, well it’s a little bit pass at this point. It’s already February, and I’m at the last part of any students academic school year: the finals period. We already know our grades from the previous exams during the midterms. So far, we did pretty well and we managed to get ourselves off the danger zone in failing our subjects.

Academics aside, that’s not the real issue I am having right now. It’s already February since we last talk, the same can be said with Wendy and myself. When classes started back on January, a week after Wendy said we shouldn’t communicate for a while, I eagerly wait for a text message coming from her. It may not be this morning, it could be in the afternoon after school or even this evening.

But the more I waited, the more it didn’t come. I logged in earlier this evening to see if she left me a message there and still found nothing. I didn’t see her online either, which was giving me a sense of lost purpose. It was as if Wendy Turner became the reason why I can still wake up in the morning, to be able to continue being myself even when things have been turning so bad in our house. And now, not being able to communicate with her, it just crushes my already weak self.

Lately, my night insomnia has been getting a lot worse. I would sleep a little bit late around 2 in the morning and would find myself waking around 6 of the same morning, only getting around 4 hours of sleep. And for some reason, I find everything to be irritating.

During classes, whenever we would wait for our next professor to come, everyone will be all chatty and noisy. It was all too common for this to happen, since everyone has at least a new thing to talk about the following day. But I find it unpleasant, annoying even. I tried sleeping it over while waiting for the professor, but my mind won’t let me sleep. The more I try to shut out the noise, the more it keeps getting louder.

I couldn’t take it anymore, I stand up from my seat, taking my bag and leaving the room. I decide to drop by the library for a while figuring if I wanted to be some place quiet, it’ll be this place. Picking a more secluded part of the library, I seat in one of the vacant chairs taking out one of my books and pretend to be reading. I also placed my phone in front of me, hoping that she would text me.

Later, I find myself being awakened by someone, shaking me off of my sleep.

“Hey, hey!”

“W-what?” I wipe my eyes off, looking at the one who woke me up.

“It’s almost closing time. You should go home.”

“Wait, what?”

“Didn’t you hear me? The school’s about to close.” Looking at my phone, it was already 5 in the afternoon. I totally skipped all of my classes, even lunch for that matter. I never even noticed myself sleepy during that time. Carlos and Earlene probably left today. I pick up my things and soon made my way home. While riding the bus, I check my phone, seeing if anyone left me a message.

A few messages from Carlos and Earlene, asking me if where I was as our class was about to start. But still no message coming from Wendy. It made my heart ache, making me tear up a bit as I gaze at the horizon. I wonder if Wendy was doing okay, I haven’t heard from her in weeks now. That one week she mentioned was going on further and further away.

The following morning over at lunch, Earlene and Carlos met up with me, looking worried.

“Hey where have you been yesterday man?” Carlos asked.

“I was feeling out of it and I fell asleep in the library.”

“The library? Wouldn’t it be better if you slept in the clinic?” Earlene points it out, Carlos looks at her, “Well, that’s not the issue here.” They soon both look back at me.

“Hey… are you okay?” Earlene asks.

“Kind of…”

“Still no messages from her, huh?” Carlos and Earlene knew about Wendy’s disappearance in my life, since I told them all about it a week after the week Wendy mentioned passed. Apparently, they caught me always looking at my phone, sighing and putting it back in my pocket.

It felt like I’m starting to lose it: my family’s strong ties with each other, my own family values, but more importantly, my love that was supposed to be the answer to everything. I forgot to tell you Tessie, but in one of my previous letters, I talked with my Aunt Vinny during the holidays.

“So, how is your grandmother, Tyler?”

“She’s… not doing so well, auntie.”

“Is she sick?”

“No, of course not. It’s… dad and his new wife-to-be.”

“Yeah, I know it’s hard Tyler, for both you and your grandmother. But don’t worry, I’ll take your grandmother under my care if your dad decides to get married.”

“Eh? T-then, how about me?”

“Well… we still need to wait till you’re 21. Since that is the legal age where you can decide for yourself.”

“3 more years… that’s way too long!”

“Don’t worry, my dear nephew. I’ll always be there to aid you during that time. Since you’re my sister’s only son.”

It was decided at that time, my grandmother would live under my Aunt Vinny’s care. When I think about it, I came to realize that my family’s already broken beyond repair. I was the only one strong enough to carry on this charade that I can do something about my family. I bore a responsibility that isn’t mine to bear. A family is strong if its individuals choose to be strong alongside each other. I tried being strong, strong enough to let my grandmother and dad see how much I am against them arguing.

But, I’m tired Tessie. Tired of being strong for others. I’ve been putting up a strong face for quite some time, quietly sobbing myself to sleep whenever I can’t handle it anymore, not being a brat and cause trouble to both my dad and grandmother. Sometimes, I easily find myself envying my other classmates and how they can live so carefree. I feel like a bird trapped inside a cage, but it’s not like I was captured forcefully, it was as if I was caging myself in.

Can I stop now Tessie? Can I stop playing family by myself?

Love, Tyler