Afraid Of Losing Myself

Afraid Of Losing Myself- Chapter 4

Afraid of Losing Myself- Chapter 4

I decided to start using my art supplies that I had just bought. Grabbing my new sketch book and pencils I started drawing. Looking at the finished drawing I knew exactly who it was. It was Damon and me smiling warmly at each other, his eyes sparkling at me. We were at the gym taking a break, we were both laughing at something, and our boxing gloves set on the side meaning we took a break from fighting.

I liked this picture, it was happy but I didn’t know why I decided to draw Damon and I. I went to take a shower and brushed my teeth before changing into my pyjamas. I took my twilight book from my bedside table reading where I had left off. My favourite series was twilight maybe it was the happy fairy tale ending Bella and Edward had, I didn’t really know?

After a few hours of reading I checked the time and it was already 9 o’clock pm so I decided to go to sleep. Closing my eyes I hoped that there will be no nightmares or dreams tonight but obviously the nightmares still came and haunted me.

“Rosie it’s time for the funeral” I heard Adrian’s voice coming from my bedroom door. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was wearing a black dress, black heels I looked alright but my eyes was swollen and red from all the crying I did. I took deep breaths before opening the door revealing my older brother dressed in a black suit and a white tie.

His eyes were also swollen and red so I knew he has just been crying. He hugged me but I flinched away causing the look of pain to flash in his eyes. I took a few deep breaths and tried to remove the uneasy feeling in my stomach. I forced myself to wrap my arms around him. I knew that will make him a little grateful.

I pushed a sad smile onto my lips and pulled away from his embrace. We both walked downstairs to see my mom sitting down on the couch with the picture of my dad and her on their wedding day. Tears began to well up in my eyes but I pushed them back knowing I need to be strong for my mom and brother.

“Mum?” I said, my head looking down. She turned to look at me and Adrian. Tears flowing freely down her face as she turned to look at me. “Rosie, Adrian” She tuned and hugged both of us, I tried my hardest not to flinch away from the embrace. “I miss him so much” She whispered to my brother and I. “We know mum, we miss her to” Adrian responded.

“But remember he wouldn’t have wanted us to be upset, he would have wanted us to continue with our lives” Adrian continued. I didn’t want to continue with my life but I didn’t say anything. Mum nodded. “Come on then we need to go” We all headed to the cemetery for the funeral. The funeral of my dad’s.

It took everything in my power to get into the car but I somehow managed the ten minutes’ drive for the funeral. My hands were sweating and my stomach was very uneasy and I was trying my hardest to not break down crying. I cannot ever go in a car but I tried for my dad.

Arriving to the funeral, it was in a church at the cemetery considering we were all Catholics, my mum decided to have the funeral at the church though I knew how hard it was to organise it. Walking in and having everyone tell you how great your dad was and how they were sorry for the loss. Well that was hard but I found it harder when you had to do the speech in front of everyone about your dad.

It was now my turn to go up and do the speech but I couldn’t, I didn’t know if I deserved to do the speech. My brother and Mum gave me both encouraging smiles but I didn’t respond to the smile I just went in front of the alter. Someone gave me the microphone.

I looked at everyone’s sad smiles and tears and knew that it was my fault for those tears and pain. I was trying so hard to hold back my tears but I just couldn’t keep it in no matter how hard I tried. Tears freely came down my face. I pushed the microphone to my lips. “Uh… Um…” I tried to say but nothing came to my mine except my dad’s face, his face twisting in pain. I dropped the microphone to the ground and ran out of the church followed by my brother. I feel to my knees hard. My brother was now in front of me tears welled in the corners of his eyes.

“I know it’s hard for you Rosie but this is for dad, you don’t have to do the speech but at least come back in side and here mums” He said though his eyes were distant a small forced sad smiled pulled on the corners of his lips. I nodded and reminded myself that this is for dad and he would have wanted me there even if I didn’t want to accept the reality of him being gone.

I walked back into the church willing myself not to burst of crying again but even when I was telling myself not to cry it didn’t really help because tears were pouring down my face. While walking in everyone’s head turned to me and they smiled sympathetically but I didn’t want their pity I wanted my dad back.

I walked back in and sat next to my mum, my mums head turned to me and gave me sad smile. I pushed a smile on my lips but knowing that it wouldn’t reach my eyes. After everyone said their speech we had to bury my dad.

Men in black suits were carrying the coffin. Everyone walked behind them. I thought that it was dream, a horrible nightmare but the problem was it wasn’t a dream it was happening. My dad is dead. All these weeks I didn’t want to believe the reality that he was gone. I forced my mind to play all those scenes when he was here and forced myself to believe he was here but he wasn’t.

They started to push the coffin to the ground. “No” I screamed. I feel to my knees, crying but suddenly pushed myself up again. My brother came behind me to push me back as I tried to reach for the coffin. My mom now in front of me her hands either side of my face. Tears in her eyes. “He’s gone” I said in disbelief. She nodded her head. I shook my head. “No he can’t be. He can’t leave me here. He wouldn’t” I reached my hand to the coffin but my brothers arms around me pulled me back. “Let me go Adrian, He can’t be gone. No he’s not. Dad! Dad please, please don’t leave me here.” I said trying to free myself from Adrian’s embrace.

I cried as they buried him. “Dad, please come back. I’m begging you” I whispered but my brother still heard me. “Rosie. He’s not coming back” He whispered back to me. I shook my head and gasped for breath willing oxygen to fill my lungs. I was finding it hard to breathe, Hard to see anything. “He is, He is. He’s not gone” I said but he shook his head tears falling down his face. “He’s already gone Rosie” He said pushing sense in me. I fell to my knees trying to grasp back to the fantasy of my dad here. But he wasn’t he’s dead and it was my fault. He’s gone and never going to come back.

Gasping for breath as I woke up from the terrible nightmare. It was bad one but It wasn’t was bad as last night’s nightmare, I pulled quickly my knees and hid my face that laid on top of them. Deep breaths I whispered to myself. Just deep breaths.

‘It was just a dream. You’re not there anymore. Just a dream’ I thought to myself trying to convince myself that it was only a dream.

I pushed my knees to my chest pushing my face and lied my face on top of them.  I pushed my tears back stubbornly.  I took my twilight book from my bed side table and forced my eyes to stay open to read the book instead of continuing the nightmares.

I hated the nightmares it made me feel like I wasn’t in control of anything. Not when I’m awake and not even when I’m asleep. I hated not being in control of anything and I hated not being in control of my feelings, my life.

My breathing coming back to normal as I started reading twilight. I loved this book, I found Edward very cute and also nothing could go wrong with a vampire-romance novel.

Smiling slightly to myself as I read twilight. Reading for a few hours before my tired eyes were giving out on me. My sleepy eyes were shutting and finally I let unconsciousness settle me. My mind finally blank and dark. My eyes shut close my eye lids already closed and my mind black and black with darkness. I didn’t even have another nightmare but I had a dream. A happy one, the first happy dream I had. One that didn’t make me feel guilty or sad.

Hey Everyone! I hope you like this chapter anyway what do you think about the dream. I know it was a little sad in this Chapter but anyway for all those twilight lovers out there I know how you feel. Anyway are you on team Edward of Jacob cause I'm sorta in between I love that book to bits. Anyway I am so sorry for the 2 days late update but forgive me I was busy with Christmas stuff that my family wanted me to do.  Anyway Cote Me.

EX, OH, EX, OH, EX, OH

Livy