2 am thoughts

Guys

Guys.
I've never been good at them.

They've never wanted me.
I've always been a game to guys.

Let's see how far we can go with her.
Let's see if she's easy.
And for awhile i was.
I was insanely easy. I sent them whatever they wanted me to send them. I said whatever they wanted me to say. I did whatever they wanted me to do.

Because i just wanted them to know who i was.
I wanted them to need me. To acknowledge me.
I didn't care who it was either.

And then one day, they happened. Bea and dylan. I really liked him. And i was just a bet to him. To both of them.
I felt like such shit...I cried. And he didn't stop until i started crying.

So i left. I walked home and i cried. I still was easy, i just felt like shit the whole time. But atleast they wanted me right?

And then i started playing hard to get. Not giving them what they wanted when they wanted it. To see if they actually liked me. They didn't.
The only wanted my ass.
And i thought i would feel better if i wasn't so easy..
But it made me feel worse.

So i gave up. I gave up on trying to get someone to notice me. I closed myself off.
I convinced myself that everyone was using me and that nobody actually liked me.
I lost trust in everyone around me.

So i said i would never date anyone. Because i could never trust them.

Then i got lonely. So i wanted to be a hoe. No joke i wanted to just fuck everyone.
No feelings. Just fun.
And i thought that would be so easy to do because  that's all they wanted was sex anyways right?

But then that just made everything 10x worse. They didn't want just sex. They wanted commitment, and i wouldn't give that to them.
So i got called names. So they stopped talking to me because they wanted something serious, not just fun.

And then i thought i could just have fun with one guy at a time. So i chose someone who i thought would be down. And he was.
Until he fell for me.
Then it all went down.

He got jealous.
He got possessive and abusive.
He wanted a relationship and I didn't.
So he tortured me. Every day.
Until finally he found someone else.
One of my good friends.

And now they're together, but he still likes to torture me.

I can't  win.

And i'm not gonna lie... It hurt.
And it still hurts when i see them together. Not because i want him for myself, but because he's doing it just to try and hurt me. And that's what hurts me.
The fact that he wants to hurt me.

All because i wouldnt be with him.