bubble

Untitled Part 1

I returned today to Pelekas , it has changed since I was last here thirty seven years ago but only in appearance , the feeling remains the same . I can not account for the time passed , I can not explain what I have done , if anything ,  but Pelekas has always been with me , always been there .Whatever it was I was looking for then I have never found , I still look for it now thirty seven years on .

It has been fourteen months since Nick died , it seems like only weeks . A decent and honest man who lived his life of solitude working hard , travelling as much as he could and riding one of his many motorbikes . It came as no surprise to us , his remaining brothers , that the contents of his forty nine year long diaries revealed little more about him than we already knew , that is nothing . His entries record events , facts , times and purchases but nothing of him , no indication of what he felt over those seventeen thousand eight hundred and eighty five days . He lived his life in a bubble that no one was privileged enough to enter . I had hoped that his diaries would allow us , his remaining family ,see into him more but alas no .

I need to know him better, we were very much alike both in looks and character but I always thought I was more open and expressed myself better , I now see I am just like Nick , a closed book , a diary full of facts  and  locked in a bubble . One good thing came from Nicks terrible death though , he left me a generous amount of money , enough to pay of my debts , enough to take a break from my tedious work and , of course , enough to come to Pelekas .

I now believe that what I was looking for thirty seven years ago , although I have not found ,I at least know what it is  , to break out of my bubble . A bubble of course works both ways , it traps its contents to prevent escape into the outer world but it also puts up a barrier to block the outer world from entering in. Either way as I see it is bad . It is one thing to feel alone on a desserted beach , it is quite another to feel alone surrounded by people .