These Scars

Chapter 4

Leo finally made it back to the hospital and ran up to N's room. When he entered he saw the older boy lying peacefully in his bed. His normally beautiful tan skin was still pale, but not as pale as it had been earlier that day. His hair was ruffled and his eyes were closed. He looked so peaceful sleeping there. Leo knew that he hadn't gotten much sleep recently and was happy that he could finally rest. Then he saw the bandages around N's wrist and any happiness that he had had in that moment was gone.

He slowly walked around the bed to the chair waiting on the other side. Leo sat down and took N's seemingly small and fragile hand in his. Leo kissed his knuckles and held N's hand against his forehead. "Thank you for not dying," Leo whispered to him.

Now that he was actually next to N and all of the danger seemed to have ended for the moment Leo felt how tired he was. He had been so stressed and adrenaline had been pumping through him for hours, he was exhausted. Still holding N's hand, he laid his head down on the bed and fell asleep.

Shortly after Leo had drifted off N woke up. He was disoriented at first and wasn't quite sure where he was. He looked around with blurry, sleep filled eyes and saw four beige walls and white tile floors. He felt a pinch on his arm and looked down to see a needle, no an IV. He was in a hospital room. Why was he in the hospital? He could hardly remember the things that happened last night.

He felt a slight pressure on his hand and a dip in the bed. He looked over to see the back of Leo's head resting on his hospital bed. He moved the hand that wasn't in Leo's grip to pet the back of his head, being sure not to wake him. When he lifted his hand he was staring at the white bandage that covered his wrist. Then he remembered what happened.

He had been so distressed. After reading more comments about his skin color, his weight, and his dancing, he couldn't stop himself. He went into the bathroom early in the morning, the place where he had always gone when he got like this. He found the familiar razor that he hid in his facial products so the other members wouldn't see.

He pulled off his shirt to see his once beautiful chest covered in scars. At first hurting himself was something that helped him, or so he thought, but the more he did it the more he hated himself. However, he couldn't stop. It was like an addiction, one that he couldn't control like he thought he could in the beginning.

He kept looking at his smooth arms, being drawn to cut them. It was just something that happened sometimes, wanting to cut somewhere different. He put his shirt back on and positioned the razor over his lower forearm. He pressed the razor down on the skin and pulled it across till he saw the line of red start to spread. It didn't hurt as much as some people thought. Maybe that was because he felt so numb. He made a few more cuts before putting the razor down. He stared at the bleeding wounds on his tan arms.

They were bleeding too much. When the blood started to drip on the floor he grabbed toilet paper to try and stop the bleeding. Several minutes and piles of soaked toilet paper later he was sitting on the bathroom floor just watching the blood drain from his self-inflicted wounds. At first, he had been freaking out about the thought of dying but the more the blood drained the more he thought it was alright.

"Maybe it's for the best. The other members would be much better off without me anyway." He thought.

Just as the thought had entered his mind he heard a knock on the door. He tried to say that he was inside and not to come in, but he couldn't get the words out. When the door opened slowly he just stared at the person behind it. Of course, it was Leo.

He saw Leo trying to process what he was seeing before he saw the blood pooling around N and the cuts on his arm. The door was flung open, hitting the wall and making N inwardly flinch. As he watched Leo coming over to him and trying to understand what was happening with pure terror in his eye, all resolve he had earlier left him.

"Leo... Please save me." He was barely able to get out.

He saw Leo say something but he was out of it at that point, he really couldn't process what it was, the next thing he knew his arm was being flung over Leo's shoulder and they were stumbling out of the bathroom and down the hall.

They ran into Ken. Leo and Ken exchanged a few words, but again N couldn't really process what was said. Something about a hospital maybe, but he couldn't be positive. After that, they ran downstairs and out the door.

Leo was able to quickly catch a cab and they were driving somewhere. Leo looked so horrified and N couldn't believe he had been the one to do that to him.

"I'm sorry." He was able to get out "I'm sorry."

He saw Leo start to cry then lean on him, so N kept repeating those words over and over knowing that they couldn't make up for what he had done. They finally reached the hospital and N lost consciousness.

Remembering what had happened that morning brought tears to N's eyes. None escaped his eyes, but he could feel them there. How could he have done this to the members? He had made them feel so horrible.

About thirty minutes after he had woken up, the other four members rushed through the doors. N was still stroking Leo's head, who was still sleeping when they entered. He hushed them motioning to the sleeping Leo.

They all quietly walked into the room, Hongbin closed the door quietly behind them.

"Hyung you're awake," Hyuk spoke first. N could see that they all had red eyes. They had all been crying. He had made them all cry.

"Yeah. I woke up about a half an hour ago." He said his voice raspy and quiet. Not sounding anything like his normal self.

"Have you called the doctors yet to tell them you were awake?" Ravi asked.

"A nurse came in a little while ago and checked my IV and bandages, but the actual doctor hasn't been in yet." At the mention of the bandages he saw all four members look down at his wrists. N suddenly felt self-conscious about his wrists and stopped stroking Leo's hair to pull his arms closer to his body.

Having the reassuring feeling of N touching him taken away Leo stirred from his sleep. He looked around in a daze and saw the other four members looking at him from across the bed.

"Awake now sleepy head?" He heard a quiet voice say from beside him. He looked up to see N looking down at him. When all the events of earlier rushed back to him he sat up.

He put his hands on Ns face and looked him up and down. When he saw that N was, physically, alright he pulled him into a hug and just held him in his arms, not caring what the other members thought. N brought his hands up to pat Leo on the back.

"It's alright. I'm here." N said in Leo's ear.

"I thought I lost you," Leo whispered into his shoulder, holding onto him tighter. He felt that if he let him go, N would wither away and disappear.

"Shhhh. I'm here. I'm alright." N said to Leo.

With that, Leo pulled back to look N in the eyes. He saw that the life was still drained from them and he couldn't ignore it this time. "You are not alright. You don't need to pretend. I'm here for you. We are all here for you." Leo told N.

After hearing those words, N cried for the first time in a long time. He had felt so empty for so long that he thought he had lost his ability to cry. He leaned on Leo's shoulder, his lifelong friend, and he cried.