Cupidity

Inaudible Insults

     Now, many of you have heard of Cupid, the legendary flying baby in a diaper who goes around shooting people who knows where, making them fall in love with each other. Some people might think that's cute and romantic, as for myself,...it's a little creepy. But this story is not filled with my opinion, well, at least not completely. It is filled with fun facts and funny instances which are true, according to a homeless man I met once with whom I shared a banana. When we do think of Cupid, we imagine all the people he shot and, I'm sorry, that just sounds really violent. I meant with his love bow and heart arrows. But, what  is unknown to most people is that sometimes he misses from time to time. So if you'll just sit back in whatever seat you're in (if you're sitting), push those glasses up, and relax. I will try my best to remember the strange account told to me. It begins with Cupid floating above New York City, scouring for his next victim. See what I mean...creepy. 

     Cupid sat on the edge of a small cloud 800 feet in the air with a full quiver of arrows strapped to his back. To his left, next to his leg lay his bow, leaving his hands free to hold what he loved more than anything else in the world...food. Normally if you found him eating, it would be some kind of burrito or chili-dog. But that day he was holding an Elote. The fact that it was smeared with mayonnaise, covered with powdered Parmesan cheese, and dashed with chili-powder just made his mouth water. How does he get food without being seen, or better yet without any money? Well, as a matter of fact,...I don't know. It's an unnecessary truth the bum left out. Remember, I'm just relating to you what he said to me. So if Cupid somehow turns blue and starts speaking elvish, then that's what happens because it's his story not mine.

     Every human loves something of which they are unashamed to love, whether it be another individual, a hobby, a sport, etc. But with this love comes a secret love which they keep hidden deep in their heart. It's this secret love that gets pierced by the arrow and enlarged, dominating any and all other loves and passions. The most popular of these have to do with someone else, including a crush or perhaps someone they love but they don't want to make it known to them or anyone else fearing that they might not feel the same way. And it's these ones that Cupid tries to capitalize on. 

     His baby blue eyes swept through the crowd from one person to the next discerning the right person to shoot. He wasn't even into his third bite when he caught sight of the perfect candidate. The man was taller than your average taxi driver, which isn't much, no offense. His short, dark brown hair was neatly parted to the left, with the front brushed up and back. He had a strong looking face with no particular dominating features. He wore a gray business suit over a white shirt with a matte burgundy tie and a hanky in his suit pocket to match. From the outside he looked like a pretty satisfied man. But on the inside he was empty, like a Bavarian doughnut without it's smooth cream filling. The invisible red aura emanating from him gave Cupid the green light. 

     I should probably stop and explain this. When a person has a red aura, it means they are in love with an individual. If they have a blue aura then they love objects, such as flowers, animals, gadgets, etc. A green aura means they love food, don't ask. If it's white then they have already found or made know their love. And if it's black then they don't have a love, which is almost impossible. 

     He waited till the man wasn't moving, ensuring he hit him, plus it gave Cupid time to finish his lunch. After a few minutes the man stepped into a small corner cafe. Cupid grabbed an arrow from his quiver and strung it as the man walked up to the counter. Feeling the tension build as he touched the fletching to his cheek, he released it, at the same time letting out a sudden hiccup caused by the chili powder. The arrow not only missed the right guy completely, but it hit the cashier in front of him taking his order. Feeling an overwhelming rush ripple through his body, the wrong guy grabbed his leg where the arrow had hit. His eyes widened as he jerked his body to the upright position and stared at the man in front of him. He swiftly loosened his apron and leaped onto the counter, startling both the customers and his fellow employees. His eyes intensely scanned the small cafe, pulling his head with them. Assuming he didn't find them, he dropped to the floor and throwing his apron aside, walked vehemently toward the door. The customers quickly parted, leaving a wide space between them. The manager finally spoke up stating something about horrible display of conduct and about getting back to work, but giving no care for what he was saying, the wrong man walked out the door. Cupid was now spread eagle face down on his small puff of cloud. After a few seconds of muffled inaudible self-insults, he poked his face through the vapor and began following the wrong man like a kidnapper following a young child,...except not. After a few minutes Cupid had put the cloud on autopilot and was now pacing back and forth trying to think of a solution. The cloud suddenly jerked to a halt. He poked his head through the cloud, and saw the wrong man standing in front of a hotel entrance looking around suspiciously. He then rushed over to the side of the door where sat a small potted tree about five feet tall. He quickly picked it up and began making his way down the sidewalk. Cupid slowly sat upright, and with all the self-control he could muster, smacked his palm against his forehead. He had to find a way to fix this. He couldn't just go and find the right guy and shoot him. He already used his arrow on the wrong guy, and once you assign an arrow to someone you can't do it again. Suddenly something odd and unusual happened, he got an idea. He decided to send the wrong guy out to find the right guy's love and use the wrong guy's love for trees to influence the right guy's love to go after the right guy. Don't worry, I had the homeless guy repeat it, more than once. Unfortunately for Cupid, this was going to be harder than he thought.