Hidden Under Perfection

Chapter 14: John

I look up from my book and look at the clock to check how late it is. It reads 2:00 AM, I didn't mean to stay up this late, when I get tired it gets harder to keep the looming thoughts at bay. My eyes slide from the clock to the picture on my bed stand. It is from six years ago, our whole family had taken a trip to Miami, one of the only other safe cities. We are lined up next to the pool, my mom's arm draped across my shoulders. We all looked so young and innocent. My mom was practically radiating happiness.

Seeing her so happy reminds me of the day she went missing. My throat constricts and my eyes fill with tears. I miss her so much, my breathing becomes rapid as I begin to cry. My tears roll down my cheeks and puddle in between my collar bones. I think about how I felt when we lost her. My heart aches and it becomes hard to breathe. I think about all the things that we could have done together. It has been over five years since she went missing and there is almost no chance that she is still alive but, after Claire returned to us I began to hope that she was out there somewhere. Even if the possibility is very unlikely, I just want to have my mom back.

I pick up the picture frame and hug it against my chest. Hot tears streak down my neck and fall onto the sheets. My mind spirals into a dark place, and I loose all joy. My mind is a swirling mess of dark thoughts and I pull my knees close to my chest as sobs ravage my body. I won't be sleeping tonight. The demons have won for now.

At first I try to read my book but I can't fully immerse myself into the world and my mind keeps wandering. Then I listen to one of the old bands that my sister likes to listen to. My heart matches the beat of the music and I am finally able to calm myself down enough to think rationally. I try to convince myself that we will all make it out alive, that everything will be okay in the end.

I am sitting here with the knowledge that no one else will know what I am feeling and that I am too scared to confide in them in order for me to not feel as alone. All I want is to be able to have someone take care of me and love me for who I am no matter what, someone to understand. I just don't want to have anyone taken from me ever again. I really don't like being alone and every time I see Claire I want to envelope her in a big bear hug and feel her heart beat against my chest, just to know that I am not alone. I press my forehead to my knees and soon the fabric covering them is soaked with warm tears.

After about an hour of crying everytime my mind slips to that one dark corner, I finally calm down. My eyes are red and puffy and my throat is raw but I am finally tired enough to sleep. I look at myself in the mirror one last time before I go to sleep and I notice how much I look like mom. The brown hair and sea green eyes, I look like Claire and Jennifer, but I miss my dirty blond hair. I lay down and pull the covers up to my chin and fall into a restless sleep.

The next morning I wake up and my eyes are sore from last night. I walk into the bathroom and clean myself up. I look at myself in the mirror and find dark purple circles under my eyes, I probably only slept for two hours. I am still not used the the dark color of my hair so I am schocked when I notice the dark brown shade. I quickly get dressed and I head downstairs. When I get there I find everyone sitting around the counter and as soon as I step onto the floor they turn to look at me and claire says, "we need to start erasing ourselves from the board."

"What?" I inquire.

"Well, since The Clandestine has access to the government's files they will know what you look like and your DNA. That poses as an issue because in order to get into the head quarters you need to go through a blood test to make sure that it is really you and not someone pretending to be you. In order to be safely integrated into The Clandestine we must give you a new identity and do the same for me and Claire as well." Doran adds.