Richard read this.

The begining of the end

"I hate the world today, it so good to me but I know that I won't change..." plays as I sit and contemplate my relationship. Everything I've ever known has been thrown out the window as the last few weeks go by... He said he loved me he said he wanted to marry me but now I'm not so sure. It started a few weeks ago when he said he wanted to join the air force. He says its his only option... *tears well up* i'm starting to wonder if he just wants away from me. Everytime I come over since then it feels more and more distant... Today it felt worse.... Sure we had fun at brunch but after that it felt like I wasn't even wantted there... His laptop... I swear if he could date it he would... He would even know I exist if it were humanoid...I asked to go ice-skating today and got turned dow for the fifth time with the promise of "next time" this time infront of his brother...

Sometimes I wonder if, other than I breath and produce heat, that even knows i'm there... I go home sometimes, and even today, wishing I never woke up that day and it could just start all over... It feels like the only ones in the relationship are the dogs and I...

Even though he may be in a hurry, he really had no reason to scream at me to get out of the car today or any of the other times... Heck if it wasn't for his job(s) he probably would have mumbled an " uh yeah love you too" and drove off... Now I sit and wonder if the man boy I loved will ever grow up and see "ME"...

I wonder if he was the right one to give "IT" up to or if it was a mistake... I wonder if he truly loves me anymore... I wonder if i'm in over my head and should call it off so I don't feell any more heartache I feel that my premonition of something bad happening is that we have to break up. I may have said that i'll wait for himm but will he catch up to me...Do I weight myself down with confusion contributing to lack of sleep and lack of appetite or do I let it go and just moveon with my life...

IS HE REALLY WORTH MY ILLBEING AND TEARS JUST SO HE CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT HE WANTS...