Engaged

Chapter 12: Grasping

 That night I dreamed of Eli. They were all glimpses of past memories. I woke up in tears, and I can't help it. I miss him more than ever now. I'd ignored all of his calls in an effort to get over him.

I tried to act like he didn't exist, but he existed. He was great and he still is. The best person I could ever meet, and I'd been ignoring him, thinking I'm punishing him, when in reality, I'd been punishing myself.   

I just want to vent to him and tell him my struggles and my pain. I'm so used to it, and right now I need some comforting familiarity.

I feel like I'm on another planet. My world's been destroyed in a matter of three days. My mom was too fanatic and my dad's too unpredictable. My brothers will be lost as to what to do, and Nailah's got her own problems.

I just need Eli.

He was always the shoulder there to cry and lean on. His warm, strong shoulder. Like Ne-yo said, I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a boss when we're together. It was an undeniable fact, but he's not mine.

No one's mine. No one will ever be mine. And now I have to think about what I can be. 

That brought me back to in middle school when we were talking about our futures. 

"I'm going to use my ability in communication to be a translator for the courthouses," he told me.

"Why the courthouses?" I asked, scrunching my face. 

"Because I'll be someone important," he said. 

"After what they did to you?" I asked. Eli shuddered a little but answered honestly. 

"I might not forgive them. I may never be able to use my arm right again. But they owe me. And this will be their way of repaying me." 

He said this a month after he had a football accident with one of the Elder's older kids, and he needed physical therapy his parents simply couldn't afford.

They rejected responsibility and paid nothing. His parents were almost dirt poor, even with our help for almost two years. He made a miraculous full recovery and was able to play sports again, but the mental injury and betrayal stayed. 

I nodded.

"What about you?" he asked. 

I stared at him, completely lost. 

"What do you want to be when you get older?"

I perked up. That was easy. "Your wife," I told him.

He laughed, thinking I was joking, but I stayed persistent with my answer.

"But you're strong Tay, you can be an Elder," he argued.

It was true. Thats why my parents wanted me to join Omari's classes when we were younger.

But it was never my aspiration.

"But I really want to be your wife. A housewife really."

His eyebrows raised.

"You don't want to work?"

"Well, I won't be able to because we'll have a lot of kids," I told him in my Duh voice.

"Okay, other than that," he told me.

"Maybe a doctor, or a dentist," I told him after some thinking. "Something to pass the time."

He took that as an answer, because we both knew that's the best answer I was going to give.

To think I'd actually stay a dentist, and not be able to be the house wife I wanted to be. Much less his wife. That's not something I, or anyone else would ever want to hear. Even when people get dumped and act like they'll never find anyone (even go so far as feign happiness over it). They at least have the comfort of some long forgotten hope that they'll be loved eventually.