Rants

19.07.16

(To J.D)
You got off on the idea of me being hurt, didn't you? I can't believe I thought for one moment that you actually fucking cared.

Have you any idea how much your actions have fucked me up?! And as if I wasn't fucked up enough already.

You're not constant. One minute you act as if you care, the next you treat me like shit. I don't care if you don't fucking like me the way I like you, but don't fucking act as though you care, just to get what you want.
How are you not fucking aware I have a thing against saying no to people, especially you. That's where my real problem is. You could literally hurt me so bad, and I'd forgive you.
You promised not to tell anyone. And now everyone knows. That's not a happy accident.

What's with the nickname? You are literally the only reason I could be called that! But it still doesn't fucking make sense, because you have a reputation to uphold, Being involved with me would fucking destroy it.
Though then again, in the words of a certain girl who thinks I should "stay the fuck away from you, if I knew better" and I quote "he's just messing about with you, you mean nothing to him, it was all a dare." Maybe so, But I fucking forgave you.

And then the whole thing about asking me out. What the fuck even is that? That's what really messed me up. And even when I said yes. I turned to my cousin and said "this is all a joke, this hasn't really happened" part of me hoped, that maybe you had been sitting at that hour thinking of me. But you weren't. You were getting piss drunk, with the dickheads you call friends. But I forgave you. Again.

Because I'm afraid that I might miss something. That you might actually see something in me. Who am I kidding? I'm nobody. I'm definitely nobody important.
Stop treating me different depending on your mood.
I have literally sat at nights crying cause I felt worthless. I have guys saying they love me waking me up to cute messages every morning and I can't even look at them because of how I feel about you.

Because in the end. You fucked me up more than he did. That's the harsh reality of it. And you'll never accept that.

You've never had a reason to see past the looks of people, you've never needed to really to get to know anyone. You are popular. People love you. They let you get away with your douchey ways.

But for what it's worth, I'm sorry if anything in this hurt your precious, little ego.

And the saddest part of the whole thing is, this message will probably never get sent. And if it does, what do you care anyway?