Rants

13.10.16

(For N.M)
That was my scenario, when I get told you about my thoughts for the future, people, places, things, emotions, but even then I couldn't tell you how I felt.And I did say that I knew it was never going to happen, because you were never going to date someone like me, especially with the age difference. But I get attached easily, when people give me attention when they don't need to.

I know I will try to blame you, say it was you who hurt me. But we all know, I hurt myself.You didn't understand how I could physically harm myself. I hurt myself so I can show my emotions, so I don't have to keep them locked up. But I also do it because I'm focussing on physical pain not emotional pain and for that time I feel emotionless, I feel numb.
And this is not the first time I've been up, early hours in the morning writing my feelings because I didn't know how to show them.

But people don't like me, I've dealt with that my whole life, and for once I thought that maybe that was changing. I get attached when someone makes me happy, and I've told you before that I love talking to you because you always make me smile.That's why I can't deal with people getting close to Ashley, because I'm afraid they will click and Ashley will leave me for them. I don't believe that I will ever be able to be truly happy do when someone makes that a possibility then I do get attached.

Peds wasn't wrong, I am emotionally unstable, as much as I try to deny it. But I'm also naive and vulnerable.And I did think I was getting better but obviously that wasn't the case, I was just getting better at hiding it.

You said you knew how I felt, if age difference was that big of a deal to you then why not tell me.Why sit through all the flirting and cuddles. And call me princess knowing nothing was ever going to come of it. Why sit and watch me get more and more attached.
I can't control my emotions and I hate it. I know that I'll get happy and then bad things will happen and then I'll be broken again.And everything will go to hell. I hate that I subject myself to having things said about me, and that I blame others for spreading them, but what they are saying isn't normally wrong, it's stuff I have done. I hate that I'm so naive that I thought that someone like (J.D) would change for me. I hate that I'm so self conscious. But I hate the fact that I call tell myself a million times that it's never going to happen, that it's impossible but I still feel that way.

I told you to forget that it ever happened meanwhile I'm awake at 3am crying, with scars down my leg because I can't decide whether I want to forget or not. And I know I don't, but I know I have to.

And I'd wonder if I could do this. Is it worth it? It's not but, if I have to then I will.And if emotional breakdowns and scratching my leg mean I can do it then so be it. If it keeps me alive it can't be that bad. Can it.

I could try and be oblivious to it all but then all the emotions will build up and I'll be fine and then boom, it will all be gone. All my hopes, all my dreams, me.

Writing like this makes me see that all my emotions don't make sense. But if I can see them, face value, then maybe I can work through it.

I've been hurt so many times, and I've hurt so many times. But I guess that's life isn't it.You just need to balance the situation and not let it get to you. There's nothing else you can do.There's nothing else to do.