Lifetime in Repeat

Prologue

*Trigger Warning* Self harm and abuse.

Death is like a breath of cold winter air while Life is like a breath of stifling heat during the summer. Winter is my favorite season it so happens; long sleeved shirts, jackets, pants and boots that don't get frowned upon when I walk out of the door. I can stand outside and no one ask why I am wearing such dark clothing. No one knows my secret and for a little while, I am safe being around people and out of my safe place. 

Summer is when I am most vulnerable to my family and to the outside world. I very rarely leave my safe place unless it was for school. But even then I struggle to hide from the people who ask why I am dressed in all black or long sleeves. Granted I will wear shorts if the cuts or bruises were not too far down that someone would see, but very rarely am I that lucky. 

When I am in my safe space, I wear t-shirts and tank tops but slip into a hoodie or jacket when I had to go downstairs just to be safe. My parents were rarely home these days due to their jobs, so that left my sister and I to fend for ourselves after school. Father worked as the Vice President to a massive mortgage company while mom worked as the Head of the Department of Disclosures in the same company. My little sister, Patty, is only 11 years old but is one hundred percent capable of taking care of herself unlike her 17 year old brother. 

Granted I am appreciative of my little sister's ability to get me through rough days, I wish she didn't have to help me. I'm her big brother, I am supposed to take care of her but she isn't little anymore it would seem. On the rough days, Patty would make sure I took my medicine before leaving the house for school. Call me in between classes to make sure I had ate something, even if it was only a piece of bread. If she had to stay back from school, I was texted to be reminded to take my medicine again. 

Patty was a great little sister and my best friend, so in return I try to be there for her when our parents aren't or if she needs to talk. I tutored her when she needed it and we made dinner together when it was just us. We would watch tv shows together on the weekends or go do something fun that made us both happy. We had the best relationship compared to the relationships we shared with our parents.

My mom and father decided to name me after their favorite god of roman mythology; Poseidon. My father chose my middle name to match his grandfather's name, James, and that would make my full name Poseidon James De Mont. Patty calls me Sei while our parents use my name; to be perfectly honest it drove me nuts because my name is so odd. Patty used to giggle when she heard my name but because she couldn't say my name, she started calling me Sei and I fell in love with it.

But the happiness I had found with Patty was always short lived; my father would find a reason to beat me senseless or blame his failures on me not being able to be normal. My mom would blame me for my father's drinking habits and why her friends hated me being around. I was used to it at this point but I had always protected Patty from it. My parents could beat on me all they wanted as long as they didn't hurt her.

So the long sleeves and pants covered the bruises and busted open skin and my hair was long enough to hide the black eye I had at least once a month. If the abuse wasn't bad enough, I had a very bad self harm issue that ruined my view on everything. I couldn't go to the beach unless I had a long sleeve surf shirt and no black eye. I couldn't go outside during the summer and swim my sister and her friends. I had to stay indoors all the time and it was the worst thing I've had to endure.

When I stand in front of the mirror without a shirt and jeans on, the skin you see is almost unrecognizable as skin. Bruises covered the area just below my ribs, my shoulders where I had been grabbed and thrown, a hand print around my throat and a hand prints around each wrist. Scars were stacked on top of each other almost everywhere, fresh ones from the previous night still caked in blood and tender. The scars started on the wrists and went all the way up each arm to the shoulder. My neck had a few scars, the biggest of which came from a suicide attempt when I was sixteen where I tried to slice my jugular open.

My chest and ribs were covered everywhere, with one large scar on each rib because I wanted to see my bones when I was fifteen.  My hip bones had defined raised scars; I had heated a kitchen knife to red hot before slicing into my hips, right down to the bone six months ago. My thighs were matted with scars and burns from where my father put his cigarettes out on my leg as punishment. 

I had spent the past four years torturing my body and mind because my parents took away my will to live. I lost count of how many times I had attempted to take my own life but the one thing I was thankful for was Patty not being the one to find me. But each time I laid on that hospital bed on an oxygen machine, Patty was the one who brought me back. Mom brought her to see me after my first attempt at fourteen and I remember Patty asking if she could come up and hug me. My mom tried to say no but I told her yes; the little girl hugging me tightly around the neck brought me to tears. 

She didn't let go as I gently had my hands resting on her back, and as I was about to let go she told me something that pushed me over the edge into broken sobs; "Please don't leave big brother, then who would I share my fruit snacks with?" I hugged her so tightly I thought I broke something; each time after that, the very first thing Patty did was crawl into my bed and hug me tightly. After the last attempt which involved me being unconscious for two days, I woke up to Patty asleep with her head on my chest completely tuckered out. 

My father was here this time and he was knocked out cold, a flask laying empty on the sofa next to him. I was upset that he didn't at least have decency to not drink with Patty here but apparently I was wrong. After that night I did not make anymore attempts on my life because if I was gone, no one would take care of her and I couldn't let that happen. 

I have found that even though things are crappy and hard, Patty has been the one thing that stays constant all these years. But times change and the last thing I had ever expected to happen to me, happened my senior year of high school.

I fell in love.