opia; matty healy.

22%

There are a lot of things in my life that I would trade. For one, I wish my parents had spent more time with me as my teenage years developed. My relationship with them is tainted for the most part due to mum's depressive episodes and dad's absence in an attempt to escape reality. Although their attempts have picked up, I have a deficiency in giving back the effort.

Truth is, I'm tired. I'm exhausted from trying to get them to notice me for the last year. I'm tired of fighting the in-betweens and the moments where they seemed as if they cared, yet the next they disappeared to work or into their rooms and it's as if I'm no one anymore.

I lay here, telling Matty all of this – opening up for the first time. I tell him, "I wish I trusted the right people from the beginning and didn't develop trust issues because of them."

Matty is kind, and he shakes his head from beside me, "If you'd had good friends you wouldn't be who you are today."

"An over emotional wreck?" I question, "It's not ideal."

A small laugh escapes his lips, a pleasant sound in the air between us, "It's who you are, and I appreciate you for it. We all do."

I'm not sure what to say back so I stare up at the ceiling in silence, letting it wash over us and allowing Matty's words to sink into my skin. I've found that Matty's exceptionally good at calming me down and making me feel at ease when the whole world feels like it's burning. I also find it strange that Charlie had kissed me only twenty four hours previously, and yet I hadn't thought of him until it occurred to me. Charlie wasn't the one I initially went to for comfort, and I wonder whether this is because Matty was simply present at the time, or I prefer Matty's company.

It's the morning now, but we'd woken up extra early. I hadn't been able to fall back asleep, and while Matty claimed the same, he seems far more tired than I am. He yawns in between our small conversation. Falling asleep beside Matty felt normal, as if this was where we were meant to be. Nothing felt unusual as I ignored my racing heartbeat at our close proximity. My feelings for Matty are entirely platonic, I tell myself.

When it's almost eight o'clock we go downstairs and I prepare breakfast. Matty tells me about how his art project was coming along, something I'd almost completely forgotten about between everything, and I curse myself silently for neglecting it. It's due after Christmas break, which isn't too far off, but I've barely started.

When it's finally late enough to get up I make us breakfast. We tiptoe quietly downstairs, well aware that my parents – or at least my mother – are surely asleep in the rooms above. Peanut butter on toast is the best I can do.

"This is some good peanut butter and toast," Matty tells me with a mouthful.

"And the tea?" I ask.

He makes the 'okay' signal with his hand and I chuckle slightly.

Spending time with Matty is what I needed last night. He's calmed all of my nerves about everything in the world, his presence doing just that and our conversation allowing me to forget I ever felt a certain way. We sit on the couch with our finished plates beside us, and I wonder whether all of this will end one day.

Not in a cynical or pessimistic way, but I wonder whether like a few of my previous friendships, ours will fizzle out overtime until we forget we ever spoke. Until there's a party that a mutual friend is hosting in a few years time, a get-together to celebrate them moving away or graduating University. And we'll see each other again, and perhaps we'll pick up where things left off and never mention the fact that we didn't speak for years. Then, once the party ends, we'll wait another few years until our friend announces their engagement, and we're both invited to their engagement party.