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Sunday 5/15/11 - Saturday 5/21/11

I lift my head off of the soft chair and look up. I must've slept for awhile because the stars from the sky were illuminating the room. I stood up and walked out the door. The air was cold and just enough breeze to it to make the tip of my fingers numb. I knew i had to go home and I knew that Jensen was probably worried about me. We had been talking for close to a month now, but i still didn't want to meet him. Just the thought of him seeing me again made the blood in my veins reverse directions. I knew that no matter how much he cared about me now, once he met me, all of those feelings would soon dissipate and he would see what an ugly and repulsive creature he had been talking to. I also didn't want him to have to deal with my burden with my family. This was my issue that shouldn't affect him. 

I turned the handle on my door and as i steeped inside  i could feel the tingly burning sensation of my skin adjusting to the sudden warmth. I look over and see him tangled over my mother. They must have fallen asleep while they were still drunk. I took off my sweatshirt as soon as i got upstairs and rushed to my room. My laptop was lying on my bed where i left it this morning. The screen lit up as my finger brushed over the mousepad. I needed him. Despite the fact that he shouldn't have to deal with me and i knew that i would feel guilty, i needed him becuase in this moment he was the only thing that could make the aching feeling in my chest go away. I told him everything that had every happened, my dad dying, my mom using alcohol to dry her tears, my depression, my dysphoria from being transgender, everything. Finally I told him about the guy who decided to come into my moms life and act like he could replace someone who ruined us by not being here. 

I waited for five minutes, desperatley trying not to break down again. I felt so weak. All it took was me talking about my life for my whole body to go numb and my brain to completley shut down. He replied with something that make me break. I don't know if it was because it had been so long since someone had treated me with kindness, or if i felt i was worth the effort he was putting into trying to help me, but when he told me those sweet nothings about how it was going to get better and that he was always gonna be there for me, I lost it. He told me no matter what, he cared about me and would do anything to save me from the life i had been born into. I sobbed loudly, not being able to obtain m feeling and letting them all poor out of me through tears. I knew at that moment that I couldn't wait any longer, i needed to meet him. He had become my oxygen. My only way of survival.  I told him i neede to see him, but before he replied i shut off my laptop. I wouldn't be able to handle him saying no, so I decided  to wait till later to read his answer. 

I got off my bed and looked in the mirror wiping my tears and using the rest of the makeup i had to cover the red blotches on my cheeks. I took a deep breath and decided what I was gonna do. I was not gonna wait till the computer ringed signaling that he texted me. I was gonna skype him and I was not gonna hang up. I figured if I'm gonna meet him, I should be able to get over my fears and look at him. Wow, I'm pathetic. I opened the white laptop, clicking on the bright yellow app. I paced around my room and as the annoying sound rung. No answer. I closed my eyes, and called again. This time on the third ring i heard a scratchy deep voice, as if he ust woke up. I couldn't help the smile that my lips formed and i squeeked out a hello. I felt bad as the conversation prgressed and he told me that he had just woken up. He said it was a happy surprise and he didn't mind at all. He wan't able to read my message due to the fact that he had been asleep so i took one deep breath, slow and steady, and asked him. He smiled and me and laughed a little which somehow made my anxiety worse. He didn't just say yes, he said a hwole hearted yes that made the butterflies in my stomach go wild becuase i knew he truly meant it and it wasn't out of pity. 

He was busy until this weekend. The entire week I kept smiling. I hadn't seen that guy in a while since my mom decided it was better to just stay at his house where she didn't have to deal with me. I didn't care. They were out of my hair and that was exactly what i needed to clear my mind of everything, but my date with Jensen Michaels, a cashier i had met awkwardly that turned into a friendship like I've never had before.  Finally it was Friday, the day before i met him. My heart pumped faster than ever and I was constantly moving arounf my house. Whether it was cleaning or just pacing back and forth, i needed something to get the nervous energy out of my system. I couldn't sleep that night even though i probably should have so, i didn't have bags under my eyes the first time i met him. An hour before we had planned to meet, i was already ready. I was dressed in tight black jeans that had ben cut at the knees on purpose. I have a black band shirt and a light sweater on over my binder. This was it. I shook my body trying to get the jitters and doubtful thoughts out of my head. I opened the door and stepped out.