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Monday 4/15/11 - Tuesday 4/16/11

I got home and unlocked the door, doing the same routine as always. I changed my clothes and took my mom's laptop from her room. It was old and worn from the days when she was younger, but it still worked. I opened the screen that had a small crack on the top right corner. Dried blood stains the cover of my laptop from when i cut my finger opening it. The screen lights up as i type into the search bar. I have been researching the same subject for years, but still everytime i read a story about someone like me it gives me that warm feeling in my chest that i so desperately miss. It makes me feel like i'm not alone, for once in my life i don't feel alone and like i'm fighting a battle i can't win. The page pops up of a LGBT+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, etc.) group chat. I sit here every week just reading people's conversations, always to scared to say anything. Fear of rejection from the only people i relate to always stops my finger from pressing send. I type responses to things people say and pretend like they can read it. I know it's insane, but it's better than being completely separated from the entire human population. 

Then something terrible happens. My heart skips a beat and starts beating twice as fast. Sweat comes down my forehead as i leach forward, terrified of what i did. My chest tightens and my fingers grip the laptop harder than ever. My eyes widen as i look down at my pinky finger that slipped and hit the enter button, My message appears in the chat highlighted grey as if the computer is taunting me. Look what you did, you messed up bad this time. Another message popped up on the screen. Jensen : Wow, he finally spoke. My chest tightened even more and i had the sudden urge to curl up in a ball and never be seen again. All this time they knew i was just sitting here, reading what they were saying. All this time they've probably thought i was so creepy and disgusting. My eyes started to fill as i typed how sorry i was for being weird and that i'll leave them alone. Their response was to laugh and say it was fine.

By the time it got dark out, everyone had left the chat except for me and Jensen. We decided to make our own private chat so we wouldn't bother people who were sleeping. He was so nice. We talked and talked and then kept talking. Whoever this guy was, i didn't wanna let him go. He let me be myself for once and as i looked down to read his message, I laughed. That screechy sound coming from the depths of my vocal chords was something i didn't expect. I haven't laughed in so long. I have forgotten how my own laugh sounds, I am truly pathetic. A few messages later he was asking to video chat. I knew how only because when i was younger, my mom and I would video chat dad when he went on his annual tattooing Conventions. I sighed a overdue breath and typed "Sure." My heart raced yet again as i clicked open a new tab. My screen lit up blue as i heard the not so familiar ringtone. As soon as i clicked open i could see my face in the camera and winced. This is not going to go well, but i can't really back out now. Within seconds his face came up on the screen.

 My mouth gaped open and my eyes must've looked as if they were popping out of my skull. There he was. The hot cashier from the store that i had so shyly met yesterday. My hands flew to the top of the screen as i slammed the white laptop shut. I ran to my room and curled into my blanket as tears streamed down my face. If he didn't think i was crazy before, he definitely did now. My heart sank into my chest, all hope that was there just a few seconds before, vanished leaving no traces behind. That night i didn't sleep until my eyes were so sore from my tears that i just couldn't keep them open anymore.

I got up to my annoying alarm and raced out of bed. I needed a distraction. At this point i didn't care what it was, i just couldn't let my brain sturr for one more second on Jensen or I think i will lose it completely. I run out the door and head for the bus. Once i feel the brown leathery seat under me and my plastic headphones enter my ears, i let out a breath and lay my head back. For the rest of the day, no matter how hard i try and how hard i focus on school, i can't shake his face from my brain. I can't believe i just shut the laptop on him, he probably didn't even realize it was me. My body had so many conflicting emotions and i barely even knew him. He was beautiful, not just his looks, but the way he treated me. He acted as if i belonged even though I was a stranger. He was the nicest person i had ever met. And yet i was terrified. Someone like that would never stay around to get to know me, especially after i shut a computer in his face. My cheeks went red as i kept thinking about him. I couldn't stop it so i just let my brain flow with thoughts. 

I got home and opened my laptop immediately, not bothering to remove my chest binder. He was online. I watched the cursor blink before typing a one word hello to this new found stranger. I waiting anxiously for a few minutes, that felt like an eternity, before he finally answered. My face broke into a grin. He held a conversation with me like we were so close. He told me it was no big deal and he was worried something happened. My grin faded as realization hit me and i knew i had to tell him the truth. " I closed the computer because I bought food from the store you work at. " He told me he remembered, but wasn't sure and didn't wanna come off as creepy so he didn't ask.