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Sunday 5/22/11

I could feel the muscles in my stomach clench in nervousness. I couldn't remember a time where i was every this shaky. I was nearly to the store. Jensen would be getting off work soon and it would be the first time I had met him since we began talking. I could see through the slightly fogged window as he was helping a lady with light brown hair find what she was looking for. I smiled lightly, my cheeks lightly dusted pink from the chilly whether. I saw him glance over and see me. He held up his finger to signal that he would be out in a minute. The store was at the end of a three way intersected and had a single bench with a trees surrounding it. I sat down on the cold would feeling my legs go numb. I didn't pay much mind to that as my brain was consumed by the fact that the only person who could ever make me truly happy, would soon be breathing the same air as me. 

I watched the lady walk out of the store and my foot tapped the pavement in anticipation. The blinds swung from the door as he opened it. I stood up and awkwardly waiting for him to get to the bench. He slowly reached me and i laughed a little trying to break the tension. He smiled and asked if i wanted to walk around for a bit. My heart was doing backflips by this time. Even if i wasn't attracted to him, he was still my best friend, my only friend for that matter. We started walking and i was amazed. The conversation came so easily. We stopped at the end of the road and i looked at him. "Thank you.. for everything. You're always there for me and i don't deserve you, but you still stick by my side. I never wanna lose you Jensen." He looked down for a moment and i got the sudden urge to run back home and forget this ever happened. 

What happened next I think was not only a surprise to me, but also i think he surprised himself. In one swift move his hand swung up from his side and he leaned in and kissed me. My entire body went into shock. After a few moments of realizing that yes i was awake and yes this was actually happening, I kissed him back. I felt a lump in my throat. I tried to convey all of my emotions towards him through the kiss. I wanted to make sure he knew just how special he was to me. We pulled away from each other and i looked at the ground smiling again. My cheeks were now noticeably a darker pink than from just the cold. He took my hand and we walked, not paying attention to where we were going. 

I heard his deep laugh and I wondered what was so funny. "You know, through all of this, you've never told me your name." My eyebrows raised. "Yes i have, it's Cassandra remember?" "No, I mean the name you want to be called, like your guy name not your birth name." That was a strange question. No one has ever really asked me that before, I mean of course i new the answer, but it was still heartening to know he cared enough to ask. "Ethan." He seemed to like the name and asked me where i had come up with it. I told him that i had seen a guy once on a video who was talking about being transgender and he was so confident in himself. He talked about how far he'd come and i'd always hoped to one day be able to be as happy as he was. I kind of adapted his name after that and made it my own. I felt that it really suit me and i've been using that name on profiles for years now. 

We Had been wondering around for a while, but eventually ended up back at my house. He saw the cracked step from when that guy had pushed me over, but i just brushed it off saying it was nothing. We were still holding hands as we kissed goodbye.My stomach was still flipping out by the time i had gotten changed out of my clothes and started to make dinner. No matter how hard I tried, not that i was trying, I could not keep the constant smile off my face. He was so nerdy yet he knew how to explain thing so I wouldn't feel dumb. He could always make me feel better and he was absolutely hilarious. Also, he has shown me that even he can break sometimes and we are on a equal playing field. He makes it clear to me that he will never view himself as better than i am. After all, we're all human.